


Thaw Me Out

by HadenXCharm



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Porn, Awkward Crush, Barebacking, Blizzards & Snowstorms, Bonding, Boys In Love, Comfort/Angst, Confessions, Crushes, Cuddling & Snuggling, Declarations Of Love, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Gay Sex, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Human, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Lemon, Loss of Virginity, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Male Slash, Mentions of Izuru/Shuuhei, Orihime/Ichigo sort of, Romance, Sex, Sexual Coercion, Sexual Content, Sexual Inexperience, Slash, Smut, Snowed In, Speculation of Renji/Shuuhei, Unrequited Love, Virginity, Winter, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-17 01:13:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 36,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3509681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HadenXCharm/pseuds/HadenXCharm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yumichika's parents dropped him at college for the entire term, so during holidays he has nowhere to go. Ikkaku kindly takes him home to his family, or at least he plans to. Meanwhile, Renji belatedly confesses his feelings to a gun-shy Ichigo, but is that enough to melt his heart? Crap, he never should have put up that mistletoe at the Christmas party! (Multi-lemon)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

" _Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again."_

* * *

"Oh! The snow is so beautiful," Yumichika said with an airy sigh, spinning around and looking up at the night sky. Ikkaku growled from behind him, opening up the trunk of his car and hefting out the gifts he'd brought to Ichigo's holiday party.

"Hey, can you help me with these, please?" he called, keeping some semblance of courtesy in his voice, because he had a pathetic little crush on Yumichika and wanted him to like him. They hadn't met that long ago and Ikkaku wanted Yumichika to think he was a nice person for as long as possible.

"Yes," Yumichika agreed, letting Ikkaku stack a few boxes in his arms. There weren't that many. It was just hard to hold onto them while digging through the rest of their luggage. "Thank you for bringing me to this. I…" Yumichika swallowed and looked down. Ikkaku didn't say anything but 'you're welcome', knowing they were skirting around a sticky topic.

Yumichika, to his knowledge, was quiet and reserved, at least around him. Whenever the guy spoke up, it was to interject something witty into the conversation. He did good in class and Ikkaku passed him in the hallway at the university a lot. Yumichika was in the dorm across from his, rooming with a handsome guy who seemed to have a brotherly interest in looking out for him. Ikkaku had been trying to get Yumichika to open up to him for a few weeks now, and when he'd heard Yumichika and Kaa talking in the hall, he hadn't been able to help himself.

Yumichika had shown Kaa an invitation to a Christmas party that he'd received – one that Ikkaku recognized, because he'd gotten one too – but he'd been disappointed, because he wasn't going to be able to make it. Kaa was still offering to take Yumichika with him over winter break, but Yumichika had refused, because Kaa was leaving the country to visit his family. Yumichika couldn't afford a plane ticket and he refused to let Kaa pay for him.

Ikkaku, who had been building a tentative friendship with Yumichika, sprung it on him right there that he was going to the same party and could totally drive him. Once Yumichika agreed and got used to the idea, Ikkaku offered to let him stay at his parent's house with him for the holidays if he'd like. Yumichika had thought about it for a few days, but agreed. Where else was he to go?

Ikkaku still couldn't believe that Yumichika's family would help him pay for college, but be so cold to him. Yumichika didn't like talking about it, and Ikkaku hadn't asked after Yumichika had explained that his family wouldn't pick him up until spring break, and that was only so he could attend his sister's wedding.

Ikkaku thought it was messed up that a family could act that way, and tried to be as warm and welcoming as he could. They'd driven all the way out here together for the party, and once it was over they would make the trip to Ikkaku's house for the holiday weekend. The conversation had been non existent between them on the ride there, since Yumichika had put in his headphones, and Ikkaku was left to think of a way that he might try to get closer to him over time.

Yumichika was just so pretty. Ikkaku didn't care if Renji and the rest of their friends knew Yumichika better and proclaimed that he could be unbearable at times. Ikkaku just hoped that he could be sweet for long enough that Yumichika might give him a chance. At the same time, he was terrified that Yumichika might find out that he liked him. If Yumichika felt uncomfortable with that, then the whole trip would become awkward and Ikkaku would feel like some big meanie for bringing him along.

Yumichika was still quiet and polite around him, never talking more than he had to, despite Ikkaku's best efforts to get Yumichika to show him some more of his personality. Hopefully Yumichika would warm up around their friends tonight.

"No, no… It's, it's really nice of you," Yumichika said quietly, not complaining about the cold. Ikkaku noticed that Yumichika didn't shiver, even though his cheeks were pink from the chilled air. He looked so cute and huggable in that lame-o Christmas sweater and with his scarf around his neck. He was wearing  _mittens_ , not gloves, and the snow was landing in his hair while he held the giftboxes. Ikkaku hoped there wouldn't be any mistletoe at this party. It might save him from doing something really stupid.

God, he felt like a teenager again. Maybe he should back off. He'd never dated a guy before. Hell, he'd never even  _kissed_  his high school girlfriend. He didn't know how to go about this; damn, he was so nervous all the time! All he could think to do was try to become friends with Yumichika, and then maybe start hinting that they'd be good together. That didn't fix the fact that his heart was causing him serious issues.

He'd find himself going places just because he'd wanted to see if Yumichika might be there. He'd think all day about what he'd say to him and try to sit next to him in class. It was pathetic. He totally admitted that he had some silly crush on this guy, but he wouldn't let that ruin the holidays. He would  _not_  make things awkward. It wasn't like he was taking his boyfriend home to meet his parents. He was just helping Yumichika out so that he wouldn't freeze to death on Christmas. It would help Yumichika to trust him, wouldn't it?

"I mean… Not just taking me to the party, because I'm sure I could've asked Renji to bring me, but… Thank you. You're letting me into your home, and that's really nice of you," Yumichika said. "We haven't known each other that long, and you're being so kind. We're not really even close friends."

That stung a little, but Ikkaku smiled and just added on "-yet."

Yumichika's smile just made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and it made him forget about how itchy his sweater was for a minute. "Just take these inside. I'll finish up here." Yumichika nodded and went up to the front porch, where Renji was already waiting with the door open, a beer in hand.

"Aw, no way! Hey, Yumichika!" Renji squeezed Yumichika pretty hard, not having expected to see him. Ikkaku couldn't see the look on Yumichika's face from where he was, but the undignified squawk as he was lifted off the ground was enough to cause him to start laughing as he brought in the rest of the presents the two of them had brought. Looking at their luggage side by side, he wondered suddenly if he and Yumichika would end up rooming together at his parent's house. He wondered what Yumichika's pajamas looked like. When he went inside, he hoped the cold weather was enough excuse for his pink cheeks.

"Whoop! There he is!" Renji shouted, noogieing his senpai. Ikkaku knew that Renji was a little sloshed, so he didn't kick him in the balls, but he still made it quite clear that you don't  _noogie_  a guy with no hair, and if Renji didn't want to end up bald himself, then he would let go  _right now._

"Aw geez, Senpai, here," Renji said, burping into his elbow and then handing him a glass of cranberry vodka. Ikkaku knocked it back right away, stacking his gifts in the corner of the room with the rest of the pile. Yumichika was sitting on the couch, sipping red wine and making small talk with Izuru, and Ikkaku resisted the urge to barge in on their conversation. Instead, he wandered through the front room looking around for their host. He wanted to say 'hi' to Isshin too, but Ikkaku couldn't find Ichigo anywhere.

"Yo! Renji!" he called from across the house. Renji stuck his head in the kitchen, seeing Karin kicking Ikkaku in the leg because he'd ruffled her hair in greeting.

"Yeah?"

"Where the fuck is Ichigo?" Ikkaku asked bluntly. Karin growled lowly and Yuzu gasped and covered her ears. "Sorry," he amended. Renji shrugged.

"Eh, he's probably with Rukia right now. They were visiting with Ichigo's friends. Yah' know, Four-eyes, Princess, Sado, and, uh... Tatsuki, and... Keigo?" Renji tried to remember the rest, but couldn't at the minute.

"What the frick?!" Ikkaku said in irritation. "You guys started the party without the host? He's gonna' be pissed!"

"Hey, he was here earlier," Renji explained, revealing that he wasn't as drunk as he initially had seemed. Ikkaku gave him a sly grin, elbowing him and saying he should hang up some mistletoe for when Ichigo came home. Renji turned red instantly. "What the fuck, man?" Yuzu gasped again, clapping her hands over her ears.

Ikkaku just laughed. "Forget it, Rudolph." Renji tried to punch him, but Ikkaku ducked, going back into the front room just in time for Ichigo to kick the door open. He looked steamed, holding a box of tangled ornamental lights. This wasn't the cause for his distress, as was made clear when a blue-haired gentleman with a menacing grin stomped the snow off his boots and came into the house behind him. Renji's expression soured, but he brightened up when he saw that Orihime and Rukia were accompanying them as well.

Grimmjow had snow in his hair, probably the evidence of a snowball fight on the way to the porch, and he had an overlarge furlined jacket on. Luckily, he didn't plan on staying long, only having tagged along to irritate Ichigo before he got back to his Espada buddies. Orihime was in a red velvet holiday dress, and Rukia had a powder blue dress of her own on, coupled with a fluffy white muff that was likely an early gift from her brother.

"We're here," Ichigo announced unnecessarily, seeming to be displeased that the party at his house was made up of mostly _Renji's_  friends instead of his own. They were all upper classmen, and even though they were his friends too, they mostly only knew each other because he and Renji were besties and roommates. Hopefully his dad would help him deal with them when he came back from the store, but probably not.

" _Dude!_ " Ichigo shouted in exasperation. Renji looked up in confusion, wondering what he'd done wrong. "You were supposed to set up the ladder so we could put the lights up when I got back! What, did you just stop putting up the decorations once people started getting here?"

"I had ta' help Karin with setting up the food table," he retorted. "It's fine, I'll do it right now. Make Jaegerjaquez help before he leaves."

" _Fine._  Just put the lights up, and don't fall off the roof."

"Aw, that's sweet," Grimmjow jeered, pinching Ichigo's cheek, getting slapped back.

"Ugh, get offa' me, you sicko," Ichigo said in disgust, causing Renji's heart to plummet. It wasn't like Ichigo used the word 'fag' very often, but he could feel the sentiment in his expression. He had no chance, did he. "I don't care if you guys fall, I just don't want you to wreck the shingles."

Grimmjow just rolled his eyes. "C'mon, Red, let's get these up." The one thing the two admittedly had in common was that they both wanted the same thing - Kurosaki Ichigo - although Renji was pretty sure that Grimmjow didn't know that he had feelings for Ichigo too. No one did except Ikkaku, it seemed. How he'd guessed, Renji would never know.

Yumichika held a small step-ladder still so Hisagi could hang up some paper snowflakes in the doorway of the kitchen. Rangiku was frosting cookies with Yuzu, eating more than she was supposed to. Ichigo, Ikkaku, and Orihime were arranging the gifts for when Renji came back in, so that they could get started with unwrapping them.

Grimmjow made his departure after swiping some alcohol and messing up Ichigo's hair. "Good riddance," Ichigo mumbled, watching his friends dance around and watch holiday movies on the couch under some blankets. "You guys wanna' open presents?"

The moment Izuru got up to go sit on the floor with Shuuhei, Ikkaku took that seat on the couch next to Yumichika, who looked surprised and intimidated. Ikkaku suddenly got the feeling that the reason Yumichika wouldn't open up around him was that he didn't feel  _safe._  His other friends knew about Yumichika's sexuality, but Yumichika was being pretty reserved around him, as if he didn't know how Ikkaku would react if he knew. Ikkaku just grinned nervously. "Can I sit here?" Yumichika nodded with a smile, folding his legs under him.

It was getting late, and Ichigo's sisters had been picked up by Isshin, who was taking them out to a late movie now that he'd restocked their cupboards with snacks. Ichigo and Renji were in charge of handing out the presents, making sure everyone knew who their gift was from and that they didn't have too many to open at once.

Yumichika smiled when Renji practically screamed and threw on the Brazilian soccer jersey he'd gotten him. It was bright yellow and clashed with his hair horribly. "Thanks, Yumichika! This is awesome!"

"I hoped you'd like it," Yumichika said with a smile. Meanwhile, Ichigo was opening up Ikkaku's present to him, which was meant to be a joke, but to Ikkaku's surprise, Ichigo put on that Grinch shirt the moment he opened it.

"Thanks man," Ichigo shot to Ikkaku, getting distracted when Orihime handed him her present to him. Renji mentioned that the shirt looked good on Ichigo, but the compliment was lost on him. He was too busy trying to figure out what exactly Orihime had given him without hurting her feelings. Was it a… bowl? An ashtray? No, it was probably too big for an ashtray. And who painted little snowflakes onto an ashtray, anyways? Orihime had probably made it herself.

"It's a candy bowl for the party," she said cheerily, beaming. Ichigo melted, smiling a little.

"Just what I needed." He slapped it down right in the middle of the coffee table, moving people's drinks out of the way, and then tossed a bunch of cookies in there. "Thanks." Orihime smiled, turning bright pink, which Rangiku loudly noted.

Ikkaku got a tacky Christmas sweater from Rangiku, holiday-flavored alcohol from Hisagi and Kira, and bunch of Pokémon cards from Ichigo. Renji had gotten him a subscription to this magazine that specialized in metal-work, but the thing that was interesting was that there was a small section with katana, which he had bookmarked and circled.

"Here," Ikkaku said, handing Yumichika a present casually. "This one's for you." Ikkaku pretended to look the other way, stomach tying itself in knots as he waited to see Yumichika's reaction. Instead of just ripping the paper off, Yumichika read the tag, which said that it was from him. Ikkaku inwardly cringed.

"Oh no," Yumichika said, face falling. Ikkaku bit his lip. Crap. He'd been too pushy, hadn't he? It was too soon. He'd thought it would be okay to get him something small for the holidays, but maybe it really was just too soon. They hadn't met that long ago and probably hadn't had more than five actual conversations. To his surprise, Yumichika was just put out because he hadn't gotten him something in return. "This isn't really from you, is it? I didn't get you anything," Yumichika admitted guiltily.

"Aw, pssh," Ikkaku replied flippantly, looking at his lap with a small grin. "Just open it."

"But I have to get you  _something_ ," Yumichika said in distress.

"It's fine, just as long as we're buddies." Yumichika looked touched as Ikkaku patted his back, but he schooled his expression pretty quickly, opening the present.

"Hh!" Yumichika gasped, as if this was exactly what he'd wanted. Ikkaku cringed. Geez, it was just Flashdance on DVD. Nothing special, right? "Thank you."

"Pfft, you're welcome, you dummy." Yumichika was about to say something to him, but to Ikkaku's disappointment, they were interrupted when Renji flopped down on the couch next to them. Yumichika had finally almost warmed up to him and now it was ruined. Aw fuck, c'mon.

"Okay, Senpai, this better not be gag peanut brittle again," Renji said, opening up the small box that was from Ikkaku. Ikkaku watched in interest, still upset that he'd been cut off, but a shit-eating grin spread over his face all the same.

Renji started laughing a little when he removed a red and white striped bandanna from the box. "This thing is so cheap, are you kidding me?" he laughed, but it was still clear that Renji was glad to add this to his collection of bandannas. Yumichika giggled, pointing out that his head would look like a candy cane when he wore it.

"I blew so much money on you, you'd better shut up," Ikkaku said, still grinning when Renji tried to tie the thing around his head. Something fell into his lap, and as Renji picked it up, Yumichika got confused when Renji become so enraged that Ikkaku had to keep him from putting him in a chokehold.

"That's  _it!_  The hand that gives me date money is a hand you'll never get back, and by that, I mean I'm ripping it off your body and keeping it!"

"Dude!" Ikkaku shouted, shoving him back. Renji just scowled and looked at the giftcard, which was for a really nice restaurant. On the back, was written ' _ask him out'._  Yumichika still didn't understand what had just happened, but he didn't ask, getting up and walking away to Ikkaku's disappointment.

"Thanks," Renji said begrudgingly. "This money's just gonna' go ta' waste, though."

"You might feel differently someday, who knows," Ikkaku muttered, shrugging.

"What, you think I'll stop…  _feeling_  that way for him?" Renji asked under his breath. Ikkaku shook his head.

"Nah, that's not what I'm saying. I mean, you might feel a little braver." Renji just looked down at the card and sighed. He was gonna' go hang up that mistletoe.

"I need a drink."

"I hear that," Ikkaku grumbled, following him into the kitchen for another beer. He spent the next hour wistfully looking at Yumichika, wanting to go over and talk, but not having the guts to do so. This is what he hated about having crushes: being constantly mindful of everything that person was doing.

Even if he wasn't watching Yumichika, he was fully aware that he was tracking his movements through the room at any given time. A few times, he was sure that Yumichika had caught him staring, and he'd quickly looked away, and once he'd  _definitely_ been caught, and his face burned hot as he felt Yumichika watching him back.

He practically hit the ceiling when he felt a hand on his back. "Yikes," he gasped, desperately trying to keep from spilling his drink. Yumichika looked uncertain and perhaps a little put off.

"Um… Are you okay? Do you want to leave? It's okay if you do, I won't be upset," Yumichika said, knowing that Ikkaku might be suffering through the party because he was having a good time.

"No, no, It's fine. It's good," Ikkaku stuttered. "Yeah, nothing's wrong. I just… Eh, I don't know," he said with a sigh, sitting down on the couch. To his surprise, Yumichika just stood there awkwardly for a second before perching himself on the arm of the couch. Ikkaku moved over to give him some room, and Yumichika slid right into the space, their legs touching. Ikkaku took in a big breath and held it, eyes wide. Luckily, Yumichika didn't seem to notice.

"So, you're having a good time, then?"

"Yeah," Ikkaku said, air rushing out of his lungs as he tried to arrange his expression into something remotely normal, that wouldn't make Yumichika think he was about to puke - which he might be. "Yeah, I'm having fun. We haven't been able to all hang out at the same time in a while." Yumichika was nodding with a smile, and Ikkaku nervously looked off in the other direction, feeling Yumichika's eyes on his face like the sites of a sniper gun. Now that Yumichika was finally looking at him when they spoke, he didn't know how to deal with it.

When he added, "Best time of the year, huh?" Yumichika's expression abruptly fell, causing Ikkaku to reflexively look back to him, heart jolting when he realized he'd said something wrong.

Yumichika gave a labored sigh, putting an arm up on the back of the couch, and in so doing, he was pretty much putting his arm around Ikkaku's shoulders, which caused Ikkaku to lean forward in panic, letting his forearms rest on his legs in what he hoped was a casual-looking position. Yumichika pulled his legs up onto the couch, crossing one over the other, knees resting against Ikkaku's thigh. Ikkaku was more than happy that Yumichika seemed to finally be relaxing around him, but it was so  _sudden_  that it was freaking him out. Maybe it was the wine Yumichika kept drinking, sipping it out of that crystal glass. He had to admit that he looked really classy when he did it, but that just made Ikkaku more sure that Yumichika was out of his league.

"Oh, not for me," Yumichika admitted, seeming to be more relaxed and open around him now that he'd had a few glasses and had broken the ice. Ikkaku liked that Yumichika was being more active when they talked now. Instead of looking at his lap with a guarded expression, Yumichika nodded frequently and looked at his face when he spoke, genuinely interested in what he was saying. Ikkaku tried to return the favor even though it was suddenly  _murder_  to look into Yumichika's eyes. He really hoped that the butterflies in his stomach and the few beers he'd had wouldn't make him end up puking in Yumichika's lap. What a mood-killer that would be.

"Oh no?"

"No. Just the thought of spending the holidays with my family is unbearable, so in a way I'm glad they left me with nowhere to go," Yumichika revealed. Ikkaku had known that something was wrong with Yumichika's family situation. I mean, there  _had_  to be if they were leaving him homeless during the winter months, right? Ikkaku just hadn't known how to ask exactly what the details were, because it was fucking rude if Yumichika hadn't felt comfortable with it. Part of him still felt guilty that Yumichika was spilling it now, because he was sure that it was because Yumichika had a buzz.

"Things are rough with them, then, huh?" Ikkaku asked tentatively. "I mean, I figured, but…"

"Yes…" Yumichika nodded, repeating himself. "I've… I'm being disowned," he said, eyes finally dropping from Ikkaku's gaze and landing in his lap. He just looked so sad that it broke Ikkaku's heart, because he could practically  _see_  Yumichika getting a lump in his throat. Yumichika gave a sniff and then shook his head, taking a gulp of wine, which was rather alarming since he'd been only  _sipping_  it all night so far.

"It's not something the family wants to talk about, because it would bring them dishonor," Yumichika said with a level tactful voice, "So they're putting me through school and allowing me to keep the family name, but I'm being cut off. I won't inherit anything, and I mean, that's  _fine,_ but…" Ikkaku's eyebrows pinched together, and he began begging mentally for Yumichika to stop before he made himself break down in tears. Ikkaku would feel so horrible if Yumichika was going to be bummed out for the rest of their trip. He hadn't meant to get him talking about this if it was going to hurt him this bad.

"But they just don't want anything to do with me otherwise," Yumichika said, smacking his lips nonchalantly as if to try to brush the hurt out of those words. "Well, I shouldn't say 'they'… It's my father mostly." Ikkaku nodded understandingly, glaring at his hands.  _He_  was the cause of this. He never should've asked any leading questions that would make Yumichika feel that he owed him an explanation. This was  _private_ , and he felt like he'd  _made_  Yumichika tell him.

"I don't know if the rest of them agree, but they're not  _disagreeing_  loud enough for me to hear," Yumichika said with a false laugh, resting his wine glass on his leg, leaning a little closer to Ikkaku, who was beyond uncomfortable.

"What… what about your mom?" Ikkaku asked, cursing himself for prying. Yumichika shook his head woefully, but it suddenly seemed as though he felt better the more he was honest with Ikkaku. Maybe this was Yumichika's way of trying to put up the first bridge of trust between them. Ikkaku listened hard.

"She has my younger brother to think about, and… Well, if she were to go against my father, he  _will_  divorce her. I understand," Yumichika said, and it truly did sound as though he had soft feelings and sympathy towards his mother. Ikkaku couldn't hear any ill will in his voice, not like he had when he'd mentioned his dad. "I don't hold it against her, truly. She still sends me care packages and calls me on the phone, but… It's just not the same, is it?"

Ikkaku was silent for a few moments, wondering what on earth he could possibly say to make Yumichika feel better. "Oh… I've ruined your mood. I shouldn't have… "

"No, it's fine. I'm glad that you trust me."

"Don't feel sorry for me. You wouldn't feel sorry for me if you knew why they… I… Don't waste it on someone like me," Yumichika tried to say, putting on a smile and coming out of the gloom. Ikkaku shook his head, leaning back and looking up to his face, painfully aware of how Yumichika's arm was wrapped around his shoulders and how close their faces were.

"No… You're right," Ikkaku said firmly. "It's not the same, but you know… You still have family, right?" He smiled questioningly, gesturing around the room to where their friends were chattering. "We're all here… and, we love you," he said tentatively, stuttering a little.

Yumichika looked desperately sad for a moment, but touched, and he looked back to Ikkaku with a slow-building smile that grew in brilliance with each passing second. "You're right." If Ikkaku didn't know better, Yumichika looked like he saw something in him, a reason to hope, something that he liked? Maybe… just… There had better not be any mistletoe around, because Ikkaku felt dangerously and recklessly smitten. "Ikkaku, I-"

Renji barged in again at the worst possible moment, sitting down on the couch next to them. Damn it all. They'd been having a serious conversation! Ikkaku really felt like kicking Renji, but he refrained when he saw how sad he was.

"Just look at 'em," Renji said as he glugged down everything that was in the shot-glass in his hand. Ikkaku looked across the room where Renji was nodding towards and saw Orihime kissing Ichigo in the next room under the mistletoe, not completely out of sight. Renji clenched his eyes shut and loudly complained about feeling sick, which caused the two to startle and jump apart. After one moment of looking completely mortified, Ichigo's expression revealed nothing. The giveaway was that Orihime was blushing madly and biting her nails as if she knew she'd done something she shouldn't have. To Ikkaku it looked like Ichigo had pushed her back, but he wasn't quite sure.

He gave a glance to Renji, who looked so down in the dumps that Ikkaku wondered if it was safe to leave him alone tonight. Had Renji purchased a firearm? Did he make rash decisions when he drank? The poor guy. Yumichika looked horrified on Renji's behalf, scrambling to find something that he could do to keep his heart from breaking into too many pieces to put back together.

"I knew it would come sooner or later. I  _knew_  it would, so why does it hurt, huh?" Renji muttered, head flopping back on the couch's ledge. Damn mistletoe. One way or another it breaks hearts.

Yumichika leaned across Ikkaku and patted Renji's leg, starting a conversation with him that would keep anyone from realizing the true cause of Renji's misery. Ikkaku didn't say anything, sending a few glances to Ichigo, who seemed to be acting like nothing had happened, like it wasn't a big deal to him. That kiss could have meant nothing, but it could be a sign that the two of them had been in a relationship for a long while.

Soon enough, Renji brushed off Yumichika's attempts at discreet comfort. "I need advice or something. Maybe if I make out with someone for a while I won't feel like this," Renji mumbled to the two of them. "Hisagi-Senpai?" he called, getting up and heading into the kitchen.

"Oh dear," Yumichika mumbled. "I always thought that broken hearts heal the slowest when it's chilly outside." Ikkaku shrugged, feeling overwhelmed.

"He shouldn't have fallen for a guy," he said insensitively, regretting it the moment it came out of his mouth. Yumichika's face fell immediately, startling Ikkaku into realizing how mean that had been of him to say. He thought he could see a mix of rage and despair swirling there, but it was too late to take it back.

"Perhaps he misjudged the person he fell in love with," Yumichika said coldly, and Ikkaku flinched back, knowing that Yumichika was indirectly speaking to him as well. He couldn't meet his eyes anymore, terrified of the ice he'd seen there. Yumichika got up and moved away from him. Aw fuck.

He didn't mean that. Renji shouldn't have fallen for Ichigo in the first place, not just because he was a guy, not because Renji wasn't good enough for Ichigo, but because Ichigo didn't date. Ichigo was straight. Ichigo could never love him back. Renji should just stop loving him, because all this could bring him was pain.

It probably wasn't something Renji could help, and this Ikkaku knew, because he felt that way for Yumichika no matter what he told himself, but still he was positive that in both of their situations, things could only end in tears. It was better for Renji to either kill those feelings or speak up about them, and hesitating in his decision had brought this on. He had only ended up mangling his heart by holding it in.

The point was, was that it had been a dumb thing to say. It was thoughtless and insensitive. It was cruel and mean, it was none of his business, and Ikkaku knew that. He knew that Renji had probably told himself those things a thousand times, that Ichigo was his best friend, his brother, and that there could never be anything more. Renji had probably tried everything and failed, he'd probably thought of himself as some perverted freak, and Ikkaku knew that, because there was nothing to be done about fond feelings for another person.

Yumichika had given him the cold shoulder so quickly, that it was impossible for Ikkaku not to sense the bitterness in the gesture. Yumichika's family had probably disowned him for this very reason, and Ikkaku had just made light of that, just  _insulted_ Renji and Yumichika too for their inability to change who they were.

What a jerk.

He was a scumbag, and he had known that it would only have been a matter of time before Yumichika discovered that. It was just disappointing that it had happened so soon. It had been a slip of the tongue, but in doing so, he had hit Yumichika's one sore spot, and that would not be easily forgiven.

Ikkaku tried to change the subject and got everyone started with playing monopoly, trying to find an opportunity to explain to Yumichika that he didn't really feel badly towards homosexuals and that he hadn't meant to say something so hypocritical. He wanted to tell him that he knew that falling in love – with  _anybody_ , not just with someone of the same gender – was something anyone could help, and that he hadn't been thinking when he'd said that.

It seemed like it was too late, because Yumichika was being distant and cold again. Over the next hour, he'd gotten him to drop his cruel attitude, but Yumichika was still just being polite and quiet like before, not letting him in again. By then Renji had gotten himself under control and was being cheery again, although he had stopped drinking rather abruptly.

That was one thing Ikkaku prided himself on when it came to his kouhai and his untakeable heart. Renji never lost hope.

* * *

_Every mile is two in winter._


	2. Chapter 2

_Winter is coming._

* * *

They'd been the last to leave the Christmas party, and the majority of the car ride had been spent in silence, which was tense from Ikkaku's side, because he didn't know how to repair what little he'd destroyed. It seemed like Yumichika had forgiven him, but Ikkaku couldn't shake the feeling that Yumichika had decided that he was untrustworthy.

Yumichika had bundled himself in some blankets and reclined his seat, practically laying on his side in his chair with his eyes closed, and he'd been that way for about an hour and a half. Ikkaku hadn't the heart to wake him for some half-assed stuttered apology that he was still working out in his mind. God, he could be so insensitive, and with the worst possible timing too.

From Yumichika's end, the silence was warm and nice, although he could admit that he was forcing himself not to be upset. He had the attitude that it wasn't Ikkaku's fault about his beliefs, just like it wasn't his family's fault. They were sticking to morals and aesthetics that they believed were right, and was that so bad? There was no need to give himself an ulcer shouting until he was blue trying to change Ikkaku's opinion of him. All he could do was curb his mannerisms so that he seemed as straight as possible, and maybe Ikkaku would be able to tolerate his friendship.

At the same time, he was deeply unhappy and oh so very tired of changing for other people. If only there were a place in the world that would hold people like him and Renji.

It was just… just for a moment, Yumichika had thought he'd seen understanding in Ikkaku's shy eyes, but he'd been mistaken, as he often was. He'd thought, just for a second that Ikkaku might…

Ikkaku nudged him gently, placing a hand on his side as he put them in park at a gas station. It was probably two in the morning right now, and there was but one lonely light on in the godforsaken establishment. All around them, the snow was falling, wind whipping much more harshly than it had earlier, and the white flurry was sharply visible in the glare of the few streetlights. Taking haven under the refuge of the metal roof above the gas pumps, Ikkaku turned off the engine and let Yumichika know that this was a good time to take a bathroom break and maybe buy a snack if the cashier inside wasn't too vicious and sleep-deprived.

Ikkaku gave a rough sigh as he stood in the wind, hood up, hands in his pockets. Yumichika had sobered up a little bit, and with it, the distance between them seemed monumental once again, maybe even larger than before. He hoped Yumichika really didn't think too badly of him now, but that line about Yumichika 'misjudging' him was ringing in his ears, and had been on the drive no matter how high he turned up the fans.

Ikkaku watched Yumichika float around sleepily inside the gas station, going from one snack rack to the next. He was so sweet looking with that blanket wrapped around his shoulders, face still rosy from the warmth of the cab. He seemed to be having a conversation with the man at the counter, posing cutely when he was complimented.

When he came back to the car, he was in a much better mood, as if he'd gotten his little fix for the night. Ikkaku didn't let this discourage him, trying to take heart from Renji's tireless struggle to enjoy a friendship with Ichigo, despite wanting more. Yumichika was still just polite and sweet to him, not opening up much, but that wasn't to say he wasn't warm or willing to talk now. He just wasn't coming alive like he had when they had spoken earlier. He still looked at his lap instead of meeting Ikkaku's eyes, and his hands fidgeted around a cup of coffee that steamed lightly in the cooling interior.

It killed Ikkaku inside to realize that Yumichika was trying really hard not to act too 'gay', but by so doing, he was sacrificing his true personality.

When the gas tank was finally full, Ikkaku went back inside to pay, and then came back and turned the car on, immediately gratified with a warm blast of air as the heater roared to life. He turned it down a little for the sake of hearing Yumichika as they spoke.

He pulled back onto the road, disheartened when he found it was so windy that it was moving the car on the road a little bit, but not enough that it would be seriously dangerous. He just had to pay attention. It was snowing like crazy now.

Yumichika had put his seat up a little so that he was only half-reclining, but he was still laying on his side, hands inside his sleeves, one arm under his head as if he was lounging on the couch or something. "Is it okay if I turn on the radio?" Yumichika asked timidly. Ikkaku hummed in surprise, but nodded, gesturing to the knobs so Yumichika could go right ahead. "It won't bother you?"

"No, go on," Ikkaku insisted. Yumichika sat up, giving a sweet sigh as he found a holiday channel that didn't play unbearable repeats of the same old thing over and over. If Ikkaku listened really closely, he could hear Yumichika humming sleepily as he settled back down.

They drove for probably another two hours, and soon Ikkaku was blinking and rubbing his eyes. It was snowing so hard that he was having a hard time focusing, not to mention that these roads were poorly lit. They were deep in the forest and hadn't passed a house in a long time. They couldn't be far from home now.

Yumichika was definitely asleep now, and this time his face wasn't safely buried in the blanket, and was tilted upward. His mouth was open a little and his hair was askew, and Ikkaku took advantage of the unguarded expression on his pretty face.

They hadn't passed another car in a good twenty minutes, so when a truck passed by, Ikkaku gave a loud gasp as he was practically blinded. "Shit," he griped, blinking hard as they came to the top of a hill. He was losing his landmarks in the snow, but he was still pretty sure of where they were.

When they came to the bottom of the hill, to his disbelief, the car stalled. It wasn't immediately noticeable, but they were definitely slowing down and the heat and lights had turned off in the cab. He pulled them over to the side and moved the gearshift back to 'P'.

"Are we there?" Yumichika asked with a yawn, not opening his eyes as he sat up and stretched.

"Sh," Ikkaku said gently. "No. Go back to sleep." He didn't want to panic Yumichika if he could avoid it. Yumichika nodded and yawned, settling back down. Ikkaku twisted the key, hearing the engine protesting, and after a few seconds, he let it rest, then trying again. It just wouldn't start. Something told him to get out of the car and open the hood to try to see what was wrong, but that wouldn't do any good, because he didn't know jack shit about cars. He could change a tire, the windshield wiper fluid, the gas, but that was pretty much it.

Not wanting the engine to cool down too much, he tried again, praying hard. He wanted to get home and go to sleep so bad. The car was sputtering, but it turned back on. "Yes," he hissed, getting back on the road while he could.

"What happened?" Yumichika asked, opening his eyes. "Did you get out to pee?"

"No way, I'd freeze," Ikkaku said with a laugh. He didn't want to  _lie_  to Yumichika, but he saw no reason to worry him needlessly, so he skated over the fact that his car was a piece of crap that really wasn't made for cold weather. Besides, they'd be home in about an hour and a half, anyways. "Go ahead and go back to sleep. Still a ways ta' go."

Yumichika nodded and lay his head down, curling up, but he didn't close his eyes this time. How Ikkaku would've liked this to be more. They were spending the holidays together at his family's house, sure, but it wasn't the same as bringing his significant other home, now was it? They wouldn't cuddle in front of the fireplace or kiss at midnight or do anything romanticized in family films. They were just friends right now, and that was fine, but Ikkaku's problem was that they were  _barely_  friends. How he wanted to be more.

He was starting to think that he'd be willing to go through the suffering Renji did just to get that gratification. He could wait, right? He could pound through months of this stupid fluttery shit just to get Yumichika to trust him again.

"Ikkaku, the road," Yumichika said nervously, suddenly sitting straight up, which caused Ikkaku to startle and snap awake. He hadn't thought he had started drifting or anything, so he turned to Yumichika in confusion.

"Whatsa' matter? Geez, ya' gave me a heart attack," he joked. Yumichika frowned in concern, eyebrows scrunching together. He looked really scared and was gripping the arms of his carseat really hard.

"Slow down, please," he begged, "Slow down." He looked borderline terrified, so Ikkaku did, realizing what the problem was when he brought his attention back to the road. He turned on his brights, and then switched them back off when they picked up too much reflected light from the snow. He couldn't see  _shit._

It was snowing so hard and these roads obviously hadn't been plowed in ages. He slowed down to thirty miles per hour and was driving probably dead in the middle of the road, but this was the only way he felt safe right now. No one had passed by them in ages, and these hills were just getting worse and worse.

Yumichika looked seriously sick and gave a low whimper, breathing quickly. Ikkaku gave him a concerned look and tried to be comforting, putting on his calm 'I-can-handle-this' voice. "Hey, it's okay. Just take a deep breath."

Yumichika took some slow breaths and tried to sit back, but Ikkaku could see his hands where they were gripping the arms of the chair. His nails were digging in so hard that his fingers were ever whiter than normal.

Ikkaku was wary of ice, which wasn't really a concern at this point, because the road was almost completely covered in snow. Soon, he didn't see any tire tracks whatsoever, and was creeping along at fifteen miles an hour, making doubly sure that they were still on the road and that he'd have plenty of time to move out of the way should someone come along. He couldn't see farther than a car's length in front of him anymore.

"I think we should stop," Yumichika said worriedly. "There's a long way to go still, isn't there? We should wait out the storm."

"We can make it," Ikkaku insisted. Then, doubting himself, he looked to Yumichika, "Should we keep going? I won't let us get in an accident."

"It's not a matter of you 'letting' it, right now," Yumichika pointed out. "Just until the snow stops," he begged. "I'm scared," he admitted. That was what broke Ikkaku. He pulled over, agreeing, and put them in park.

His main concern was whether the car would start again. He voiced this to Yumichika, still not wanting to reveal that the car had stalled earlier, and Yumichika suggested that they stop and go every five or so minutes, trying to see whether the storm would pass over or continue getting worse. The mountains piled up on either side of the road was all that told Ikkaku that the road was still there at all. Now that they were parked on what little curb there was, Ikkaku could dimly make out the grey trunks of the trees of the forest on either side of them.

Wanting Yumichika to trust that he was a good driver, but also that he valued his opinion, he complied to the stop-and-go plan, and after about an hour of creeping along in the gloom, the car petered out. "Shit," Ikkaku swore, frantically scrambling at the key to try to turn it back on again, but it was no good. He noticed that his hands were trembling slightly, although it wasn't from the cold yet. The heat had only just turned off, but he could already feel the frosty air creeping in along the seal of the door and through the windows.

Yumichika didn't speak, just looking outside hopelessly. Ikkaku tried once more, and then again, swearing louder and hitting the steering wheel in frustration. Yumichika's lower lip stuck out and he sunk lower in his chair, but didn't offer any suggestions. "Fuck it. I'm calling a tow truck," Ikkaku snapped, pissed off that things had turned out this way. Yumichika would never want to hang out with him again after this.

He pulled out his phone, already knowing it was useless. They hadn't seen a home or business in over an hour. They were in a deadzone. They'd have to wait it out. "No service," he said aloud, admitting defeat, head hitting the back of his seat. Yumichika looked like he was barely containing his panic, asking him to try just one more time to get the car started.

Ikkaku complied, only to show him that this was a no-go. "C'mon," Ikkaku said. "Let's get in the back." Yumichika nodded shakily, making to open the door, but stopping when Ikkaku made it clear that they needed to keep the heat in as long as possible. It was snowing just as hard, and it was already piling up along the windowsills and on the hood of the car.

He crawled into the backseat, and moved over for Yumichika to come back too. He'd dragged his blankets along with him and spread it underneath them to trap the warmth. They still kept some distance between them, putting on any jackets that they might have shed earlier, desperate to keep the heat in for as long as they might need to stay here. Neither of them tried to reassure the other, not ready to see this situation as bleak or life-threatening just yet.

They didn't speak for a long time, just listening to the soft sounds of snow hitting the ground. It didn't seem so pretty to either of them anymore.

* * *

Ichigo was almost positive he'd seen Renji and Shuuhei sucking face in the kitchen earlier. Fuck,  _gross._  He had turned heel and speed-walked in the other direction, knowing full well that it was unlikely that they were seriously kissing, not when Hisagi had that  _thing_  going with Izuru now… and earlier Renji had mentioned that Ikkaku was trying to get closer to Yumichika. Ugh, he was surrounded by gay guys.

Seriously, were all of Renji's friends queer? Geez, he couldn't get away from these weirdos. Thank god that Renji wasn't such a jackass - at least that was what he'd thought. He was second-guessing it now.

What bothered him more, was that some part of him wasn't just sickened by it. He was  _angry_.

For once, he didn't let this show in his attitude. He didn't get snappy at Renji and he didn't shout at him or hit him. He didn't make a scene at the party or try to get revenge on Shuuhei or Renji. He left them alone, and a few minutes later they'd come back to the party, neither of them looking disheveled, which was reassuring. Still, Ichigo had this sourness boiling in his gut, and he found that he couldn't bring himself to look at Renji's face just yet, and that was just as well, because Renji couldn't seem to speak to him either, even though they both were enjoying the party otherwise. They were cleaning up the house in silence now that the last guests had finally gone and Isshin, Yuzu, and Karin had come home and gone to bed.

Renji had probably just been drunk or something. He'd probably just been hugging his senpai or whispering in his ear. They hadn't been kissing. They hadn't. It had been Ichigo's buzzed eyeballs misperceiving depth. Their faces had been overlapping, not mashed together. Of this, Ichigo was sure now, and besides, what did it matter if they  _had_ kissed? Who cared, anyway? If his best friend wanted to spend his time with his legs open, then that wasn't his business, even if it meant that Renji was a homewrecker. Ichigo had other things to think about. Geez, lips seemed to be causing nothing but trouble for him tonight.

Speaking of, Orihime had kissed him. Not just a cheek-kiss, either. She'd actually  _kissed_  him. He really hadn't been anticipating that at all.

From everything he'd heard from Keigo and Mizuiro, he'd been expecting something like this to be insanely wonderful and addictive like all those magazines and TV shows say, but… Ichigo hadn't felt  _anything,_  really. Maybe the kiss had been too quick for him to like it. It hadn't caused a tent in his pants and it hadn't made him fall in love. How had this happened anyway? It seemed so strange for something like this to occur. Had he let his guard down? Had he let her think that he liked her that way? Was that a sisterly kiss? No, wouldn't she have kissed his  _cheek_  if that were the case?

Oh, what had he gotten himself into? He didn't know what to do now, and at the time he'd been at even more of a loss. He'd been embarrassed, confused, maybe even  _flattered_. He hadn't known what to say to her, especially after she'd fled from the scene once Renji's yelling had jolted them apart. It hadn't been longer than a second, but still Ichigo had gotten the sweet smell of her perfume and her soft female body pressing against him as she stood on her tiptoes. It had been pleasant, but he wasn't truly sure whether he liked it or not.

It was the mistletoe. That must be it. It was the curse of mistletoe that had caused this, because Orihime called him 'Kurosaki-kun' and he called her 'Inoue'. There was a barrier there. Maybe Orihime had secret feelings for him? Oh shoot, what should he say? Ichigo hadn't known what to do afterwards, and had pretended like it hadn't happened. He hadn't exactly  _disliked_  kissing her, but it was probably something he'd never pursue himself. It was just a kiss. No cause for alarm, especially if there were no emotional consequences.

Then why didn't the same hold true for Renji? If a kiss was just a kiss, then why was he okay with overlooking the little incident with Orihime, but upset over Renji's supposed make-out in the kitchen?... It wasn't jealousy.  _Yuck_ , it couldn't be jealousy.

Ichigo growled and shoved some red plastic cups into a garbage bag. Red-haired bastard ruining the holidays for him. Who had put up that fucking mistletoe all over the house anyways? Rukia had probably brought it, and a load of trouble along with it. Fine, you know what? Who cared anyways? If Renji wanted to suck face with Shuuhei, then  _fine_. It's not like Ichigo had been wanting Renji to stay single like him forever. Ichigo didn't need romantic companionship to function, but he knew that not everyone was like him. Didn't he want Renji to be happy, even if he thought it was kinda' gross? Wouldn't he support Renji - however reluctantly - if he got a boyfriend? Even if it meant that he might move out?

Ichigo gave a confused sigh. It was late, there was mistletoe all over, and they'd all had some drinks. None of this was anyone's fault. Ichigo nodded to himself, gathering up a bunch of glasses and bringing them to the sink. Renji was hunched over, hair down, trying to fit leftovers into the fridge. Already, Ichigo felt the tension and resentment he'd felt towards Renji slip away. Bygones, and all that. It was the holiday season. He could afford to be forgiving.

"You wanna' take some a' those home with us?" Ichigo asked, wiping his eye tiredly as he turned on the faucet and let some of the cups fill up so he could rinse them out. Renji straightened up and slammed the fridge, glaring at him. What the fuck?

"Sure. As long as that's the only thing you're bringing home," Renji said pointedly, raising his eyebrows as if Ichigo should read between the lines. Ichigo gave him an unimpressed look. It was so late that it was technically early, and as such,  _it was getting too late for this shit._

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ichigo asked flatly, turning to look at him, not understanding why Renji was snapping at him. Just what was Renji insinuating?

"Nothing," Renji said, air leaving his lungs as he slumped miserably. Ichigo was taken aback by his suddenly sad countenance. "Here, I'll do this," Renji mumbled, taking the trash bag from where it was underneath Ichigo's arm. He stomped out into the garage and chucked the bag in there, grabbing another one from the box.

"So. Good party?" Ichigo called, looking to Renji as he came back in. He was halfway through draining the rest of a bottle of rum. "Um…"

"Yeah. Great," Renji replied with a half-assed grin, going back into the living room. Ichigo shrugged. Someone must have given Renji fruitcake as a gift. Weird. That shouldn't bug Renji, because he actually  _liked_  fruitcake, if Ichigo remembered correctly. He was probably just drunk and cranky.

After listening to Renji bumbling around in the front room throwing away wrapping paper and fixing the couch cushions, Ichigo wandered out there and got out the step-ladder so he could take down the decorations. He peeled the tape off carefully so that he wouldn't ruin the wall paint, shoving the decorations in a garbage bag.

Renji stood there blatantly and stared at him as he moved around the room, from doorway to doorway. Ichigo got more and more upset, thinking about kicking his ass to make him help clean the mess. Finally, Renji seemed to get tired of holding in whatever was ticking him off, and called out, "I saw you and Orihime smooching it up."

Ichigo turned pink, ready to turn and snap at him and what he thought was a congratulatory tone. At least Renji hadn't offered him a cigarette and said 'good job', as if he'd gotten into Orihime's panties and was proud of it. Just the mere suggestion made Ichigo furious on her behalf. However, now that he thought about it, Renji hadn't sounded glad for him at all, even though the words he'd said did. His tone was…

"Yeah, so?" Ichigo replied tersely, not looking at him as he moved past him to get the other doorway, which coincidentally was where Orihime had kissed him earlier.

"Someone shoulda' taken a picture. You guys are perfect together, huh? Your hair even matches," Renji said, raising an eyebrow and tossing back another bottle as if to drain the remains. Ichigo didn't miss that the bottle was nearly empty. "A figure like that, too. You're a lucky guy."

That caused Ichigo to stop and turn. If Renji was going to make fun of him in some weird way, then that was fine, but he had better leave Orihime out of this. She didn't deserve Renji's disrespect, however vague it was. She wasn't even here to defend herself from Renji's words, even if they hadn't initially seemed harsh. Renji's tone was definitely dark and sarcastic, and Ichigo could easily pick up on that now that he was looking at his face. Renji was beyond pissed.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Ichigo asked. "If you're trying to tell me something, then tell me. Don't just play passive aggressive."

"Fine," Renji said levelly, meeting his eyes in a blank flat manner. "You know who hung that mistletoe?"

Ichigo narrowed his eyes. Was Renji jealous of him? Had he wanted Orihime this whole time? Had Renji been hoping to get a kiss from someone under the mistletoe and Ichigo had somehow ruined it for him? He hadn't known that! Renji hadn't told him that he'd planned out something or given him any hints, so what was he supposed to do? Renji could at least just give him a chance to apologize, but now he was just being a big baby. What a sore loser.

"What, did I cockblock you or something?" Ichigo said dismissively, turning away from Renji, who swelled with rage at being brushed off.

"No," he ground out, and Ichigo knew he was on thin ice. He tensed his shoulders and stopped what he was doing, but he didn't turn around.

"Who hung it, then?" he asked with forced patience, knowing that Renji hated it when he answered a question with another question, so he went back to Renji's earlier inquiry.

Renji shoved him then, and Ichigo slapped him away, glaring at him. " _I_  hung it up," Renji punctuated with a jab of his index finger to Ichigo's chest. Ichigo looked down to where he'd been poked, and then up to Renji's face with a pissed expression. "And you go and kiss her under it!" Renji shouted, shoving him again. Ichigo swatted him and told him to shut up because his family was sleeping.

"I didn't kiss her," Ichigo said, lowering his voice in an attempt to make Renji lower his too. "What does it matter to you?"

"It doesn't," Renji said sourly. Ichigo felt so irritated that he wanted to scream, but he mentally repeated that patience was a virtue and kept his cool. If Renji was going to ruin the holidays by sulking, then Ichigo wasn't going to be the company to his misery.

"Well, okay, fine then."

" _Fine,_ " Renji hissed, crossing his arms bitterly. Ichigo just gave him a weird look.

"What's your deal?" he asked in confusion, wondering why Renji was lashing out at him.

Renji's anger seemed to drain from his face, and Ichigo was horrified to see hurt left behind. Renji shook his head and took a breath, before turning and grabbing his coat. "I wish it had been me." He slammed the front door, leaving Ichigo standing there in a weird mix of confusion and guilt, because Renji had been genuinely crushed, and it was easy to see.

But that raised the question: since when had Renji had a crush on Orihime?

It took Ichigo ten minutes to clean up the rest of the house and get his own jacket on, heading out to the car where Renji was waiting in a miserable pout, pretending to be asleep. The moment he saw the red rings underneath Renji's eyes, it hit Ichigo that Renji might have been talking about kissing  _him._

* * *

_The heart can get really cold if all you've known is winter._


	3. Chapter 3

_Baby, it's cold outside._

* * *

They'd been waiting there in the darkness for nearly an hour, and Ikkaku tried desperately to deny that this was a serious problem, but he was beginning to see that his breath was fogging in front of him. Yumichika gave a low whine and dug his hands up inside his shirt, sticking his cold fingers into his armpits and around his neck. Soon, he gave up and unzipped his pants, unashamed at this point, although he did pull his legs up so that it was slightly more decent as he stuck his hands down inside there.

For the past ten minutes Ikkaku had been pondering how he could make it clear to Yumichika that embracing was necessary. His nose and cheeks were red as he listened to Yumichika whining over there and rummaging around in his underpants. Ikkaku's ears were starting to tingle and his fingers were numb, but he just shoved them in his coat pockets.

The windshield was completely covered with snow now, but they could still see the relentless storm out of the side windows. Both of them considered going to sleep and seeing if the blizzard was over when they awoke, but neither of them wanted to risk freezing. Ikkaku was starting to feel more and more hopeless, reviewing their options silently.

They shouldn't abandon the car. They had waited this long, and they needed to wait the rest of the time. Where would they go if they got out, anyways? The wind was rocking the car and the snow hadn't let up. No one had passed by the car in all this time, and they were all alone with their thoughts and their cold feet. They had to do something to keep warm, maybe hugging, maybe moving around? Maybe they could get some more clothes out of their suitcases and bundle up more.

How could he tell Yumichika that they needed to hold each other? Would it upset him? Was Yumichika still mad? Ikkaku still felt so guilty about what he'd said that he didn't feel brave enough to ask to put his arms around him, even if it would keep them warm.

Yumichika started making little noises, and when Ikkaku turned to check if he was crying, he jolted backwards, mortified. He covered his eyes, but soon enough he was peeking through his fingers, watching Yumichika jerking off underneath the blankets.

"Woah, hey, what the fuck are you doing?" he asked nervously, which was a mistake, because he hadn't spoken in an hour, and his teeth were starting to chatter. The shivers were starting to set in now that he'd finally let them. Yumichika paid him no mind, and Ikkaku could see that Yumichika's skin was heating up already. "Stop, don't do that in front of me," Ikkaku groaned, pushing Yumichika a little, feeling really uncomfortable, but unable to look away from him as he made those motions.

"I'm warming up," Yumichika explained, breath growing ragged. He refused to look in Ikkaku's direction, eyes closed in shame. "The cold will actually feel nice if… Nn," he moaned, causing Ikkaku's face to erupt in flames. Ikkaku closed his eyes and turned away, trying to block out the small gasps of pleasure from hitting his ears. Just listening to that was already heating him up in the pit of his stomach.

He clamped his eyes shut and bit his lip, and then nearly hit the ceiling when Yumichika touched him. He was startled so bad that he practically punched Yumichika in the face. Yumichika didn't back off, rubbing him in a less than innocent manner. Ikkaku retreated against the far wall, practically sealing his back against the door as Yumichika advanced on him. He didn't know what to say, so embarrassed and taken aback that he was speechless for a few moments. "Holy shit,  _stop_ ," he demanded, but didn't make to take Yumichika's hands away where they were squeezing and stroking over him, trying to open his jeans as he moved in front of him on the floor of the car.

"Don't," he gasped as Yumichika unzipped his jeans. He covered his eyes with both hands, shivering all over, and not just from the cold as Yumichika's chilly fingers ran around the waistband of his underwear. "Please stop," he begged, voice cracking in the dry air, causing Yumichika to finally halt.

Yumichika didn't move or speak for a moment, causing Ikkaku to peek out at him. He almost made a noise as he saw Yumichika kneeling between his legs, which were spreading open on their own. Yumichika looked up to him with tired wet eyes. "Do you want to die out here?" Yumichika asked softly. Ikkaku didn't answer, watching through his fingers as Yumichika wormed his jeans down over his hips, putting his hand on the bulge in his underpants. He grit his teeth, squirming in embarrassment and averting his eyes, but the damage was done. Immediately, his blood rushed downwards, swelling up beneath Yumichika's fingers. He came back to awareness when Yumichika's hand moved.

"Wait, wait," he sputtered, trying to pull his pants back up. "What are you doing?" Yumichika halted him, pulling his pants down again, spreading the blanket over his bare legs as he massaged the front of his underwear. Ikkaku made a little noise, hands stalling for a moment as Yumichika squeezed and rubbed just the right way. It didn't take long for him to reach full hardness, but the rest of his body didn't feel any colder than before, even with the blood loss. He began to sweat nervously, telling Yumichika to let go. This couldn't happen.

"I'm sorry," Yumichika whispered, voice cracking. He looked truly sorry,  _heartbroken_  even, and Ikkaku felt so bad that he stopped struggling. "I know it's disgusting, it's wrong… It's, it's so wrong that my own family can't stand to be related to me," Yumichika said, bringing his wrist up to wipe his eyes, sniffling a little. Ikkaku's throat grew tight just watching. "I'm sure you guessed, but here it is in the open, okay? I'm…" He shook his head, not able to get the word out. Ikkaku bit his lip, feeling horrible.

"I know you must want to throw up right now, but… but isn't it worth suffering through if it will keep you warm?" Yumichika asked sadly, trying so hard to meet his eyes, just not quite able to do so all the way now that he'd admitted the truth to Ikkaku. Yes, Yumichika was gay. This wasn't a pact between two straight guys who both agreed that they were just trying to survive. Yumichika was sure that Ikkaku would always have that doubt now, knowing that he might be enjoying this or taking advantage on purpose. Of course, Ikkaku thought none of that. He frowned. What a horrible situation this was.

Yumichika took a shaky breath, head bowing in shame. "I tried to keep you at a distance. I didn't want to get close to you, because…" He choked for a moment, shaking his head, "because someone like you shouldn't have to be around someone like me. But you were so kind when you offered to help me that I couldn't refuse, and now we're going to be stuck together all weekend with you thinking that… that you don't want to fall asleep with someone like me near you." Yumichika sniffled, wiping his eyes furiously, meeting Ikkaku's gaze. His eyes were bloodshot, causing Ikkaku to gulp.

"This isn't necessary," Ikkaku insisted. "It's not like they'll have to cut off my arms. I'm not freezing to death yet."

"I know, and that's why we have to do this now. I've accepted that you don't find people like me to be worthy of breathing the same air as you, and I'm sorry this has to happen… but I won't let you freeze," he said, voice growing hard with determination. "You were so kind to me, and I won't let you die," he repeated, leaving Ikkaku speechless.

Ikkaku swallowed hard, leaning back in panic as Yumichika crept up his body, pulling back the elastic of his underwear. Ikkaku yelped as his erection sprung free, and he clapped his hands over it. Yumichika nudged gently at his fingers, and Ikkaku just watched in helpless surprise that Yumichika was so calm about this. "Don't look," he whined.

"If it bugs you, then close your eyes." Ikkaku gave a shaky breath and clenched his eyes shut, a hand over his mouth as Yumichika grasped him tightly.

"Ah," he moaned involuntarily. The sound of his own voice put him off even more, and immediately he began squirming uncomfortably, trying to push Yumichika's hands off. This was wrong. He shouldn't let him do this, even if some part of him wanted to.

Yumichika sounded completely miserable, practically begging Ikkaku to comply. "It's just so we survive. It's necessary. No one will know. Just pretend I'm a girl," he whispered, sounding like his heart was breaking apart in his hands. Ikkaku whimpered as Yumichika squeezed testingly and then pumped him once.

"Nn-" His thighs tensed up and again he tried to push Yumichika's hands away, but they went lax when Yumichika started in a slow but relentless rhythm. Ikkaku panted, shocked to find that he was already sweating and that the cold air was welcome against his feverish skin.

He closed his eyes, gritting his teeth as he tried to suffer through it. He didn't bother with imagining a girl; in fact, just the thought that it was  _Yumichika_ made his raging erection get even harder. Yumichika sniffled again, and then Ikkaku practically jumped out of his skin when he felt warm breath down there, so close that Yumichika lips had to be…  _nope_.

"No,  _n_ _o,"_  he said sharply, scrambling around with his hands to try to keep Yumichika's head back as he kept his eyes clamped shut. Part of him was telling him that if he opened his eyes and Yumichika was between his legs, ready to suck him off, he might just  _die._

"I'm sorry," Yumichika said pitifully in a cracked voice, practically pleading at this point as he took Ikkaku's hand away. "I'm sorry, please just try to bear with it. It won't hurt, I promise."

"Stop, this is… You shouldn't-" Ikkaku choked when he felt Yumichika's tongue, which was in stark contrast from his cold fingers. Hot and wet, along with the warm puff of his breath, it made Ikkaku's limbs fall limp and heavy, his protests dying away.

Yumichika's tongue felt like heaven, and Ikkaku was sure that he was about to bite his own fingers off trying to keep quiet. His mouth was so warm, and it felt so good, but the moisture was a double-edged sword. It made the cold air sting against his erection whenever Yumichika pulled back, but over and over, Ikkaku was engulfed in warmth again. The shivers spreading down his back were endless, and he could vaguely hear the noises he made as Yumichika made quick work of him. "P… Please," he begged one last time. "Don't." He weakly pushed at Yumichika's forehead, his efforts only half-hearted. He truly didn't want Yumichika to do this just because he felt like he owed him or something. This was wrong. Besides that, Ikkaku hadn't felt ready for this. God, he was so embarrassed! He was naked, and in Yumichika's  _mouth_. How had today gone so horribly wrong?

Yumichika pulled back at his request, covering him with a blanket to keep the cold air hitting his wet skin from hurting too badly. Ikkaku finally opened his eyes and looked at Yumichika in disbelief, face contorting in pleasure as Yumichika's grip tightened. Watching the motions of his wrist from under the blanket was driving Ikkaku crazy, and soon he was a quivering mess, cheeks red with humiliation and arousal.

"Ah… ah _, ah_ ," Ikkaku moaned, panting, head falling back as Yumichika sped up. His resistance finally caved in, and all that mattered was that he  _had to cum._ "Don't stop," he finally asked, desperate to let some of this pressure out. He was going to burst if Yumichika kept teasing him and slowing down like that, dragging things on forever. "Yes," he whispered, swallowing as Yumichika's thumb teased the slit of his arousal. "Nnh," he gasped, chest heaving, hazy eyes meeting Yumichika's. Even when he looked so sad and sorry, he was just so beautiful.

Oh, Yumichika deserved to be kissed. How Ikkaku wanted to, but would it be okay? Would Yumichika allow this, or would he keep him at arm's length? Was Yumichika only doing this to repay him for inviting him into his home, or did Yumichika just maybe have a place in his heart that was big enough to hold him? Were there boundaries? How would Yumichika believe him now if he told him about his feelings for him? Oh, how Ikkaku wished that he could take him in his arms and kiss him. How he wished he could call Yumichika his.

Soon, the cold air felt good against his whole body, and vaguely he registered that all this sweat would turn to ice the moment this was over, but he didn't care now. He had to cum, he had to let the pressure out and follow this euphoria. To his dismay, just as the pleasure mounted and he was  _so close_ to orgasming, Yumichika let go.

Ikkaku could have cried. "Why'd you stop?" he asked, never mind that he had been trying to stop Yumichika from the beginning. Yumichika shook his head, not meeting his eyes as he moved away and sat next to him on the back seat once again.

"You can't cum, or you'll cool right back down. Now that you're sweating, you'd freeze," he said with a shaky voice, lip trembling. Ikkaku nodded and stuffed himself back in his pants. "Besides, this is just because we have to. Nothing more. We can forget this ever happened. You won't have to live in shame like me," he promised. Ikkaku nodded jerkily, feeling numb and distantly alone.

"Right. Okay," he said hollowly as Yumichika repeated that no one had to know, trying to reassure Ikkaku. All it did was make Ikkaku feel like scum. He'd let Yumichika do that and because of it, Yumichika felt horrible. This was all his fault. Ikkaku scowled. Yumichika's hands descended into his own pants again, and Ikkaku could plainly see the humiliation and shame Yumichika felt. "C'mere," he offered, opening his arms up and lifting the blanket up from his lap, covering them both.

Yumichika's teeth chattered and immediately he slid his arms around Ikkaku in return. The two of them clung together in the cold, Yumichika huddling his head to Ikkaku's chest, Ikkaku putting his hood up and wrapping them up in a shivering sexually-frustrated ball.

Snow was starting to cover the passenger windows.

* * *

The drive back to their apartment was silent, mainly due to the fact that Renji was still brooding in the corner with his hood over his face and a scowl that made it clear that he didn't want to talk about what had transpired. Ichigo didn't think he had the patience to deal with him at this ungodly hour, and chose to focus on driving.

It had just barely started snowing, but the wind was so rough that he had to fight with the steering wheel. Hopefully all the air travel wouldn't ruin Ikkaku's drive home, although Ichigo had a feeling it was blowing the snow clouds in his direction. That guy had always been lucky – it just wasn't always  _good_ luck.

When they got back, Ichigo pulled into his parking spot next to Renji's pick-up, getting out of the car without waiting for Renji to quit sulking and follow him. He didn't look back as he numbly wandered to their apartment and opened the door, hearing Renji enter behind him a few seconds later.

He could feel the tension in the air, but he didn't have the energy or motivation to break it. If Renji was going to act like a baby and give him the silent treatment, then he could just stay quiet until he got lonely. Ichigo didn't care. He got some bitter sort of satisfaction when he saw that his nonchalance and refusal to respond to Renji's anger was just upsetting him even more.

Still, Ichigo said nothing, slapping a hot pocket in the microwave and getting in his pajamas. By then, Renji seemed to have ended his vendetta against him, because he smiled at him as he passed him in the hall, closing himself in his bedroom. Ichigo shrugged, entering his own room and getting in bed. What a weird guy.

As tired as he was, his teeth immediately began chattering as he slid between the chilled sheets. Their place had really thin walls, and this caused goosebumps to rise all over Ichigo's body. Holy crap, it was cold tonight, and he hadn't really felt the effects until he'd changed out of the warm clothes he'd been wearing all day. Curling into a ball, he didn't dare move from one spot on the mattress, trying to warm up his pajamas and the surrounding sheets as he munched on his hot pocket.

Thoughts of their fight came back to him. Renji had been so mad at him, and then so sad, but then he'd  _smiled_  at him just now. Suddenly, Ichigo got the sense that Renji had tried to forgive him for something, trying to cheer himself up again like he had at the party. Ichigo had hurt his feelings somehow, maybe stolen a potential girlfriend, and Renji had forgiven him.

The words he'd been trying desperately to erase from his memory came back to haunt him then. ' _I wish it had been me.'_

Ichigo's heart palpitated, and he curled up tighter, shutting his eyes. Initially, he'd thought that Renji had meant he'd wanted to be the one to kiss Orihime, but that just didn't make sense anymore to him. Renji thought of Orihime as a sweet ditsy younger sister to be protected and treated nicely. Renji's best relationships were those that throve on conflict. Rukia, Ikkaku, and Ichigo himself, for example. Renji couldn't want to settle down with Orihime, and if he did, wow, Ichigo hadn't seen that coming.

But what was the alternative? That Renji wanted to kiss  _him?_

Ichigo's face burned with rage and disgust, getting a sick taste in his mouth.

How dare he think like that about him? How dare Renji want to do that to him? How  _dare_  he move in with him when he was thinking sick perverted thoughts like that? How long had Renji felt like that? How many times had Ichigo taken off his clothes in the locker room in front of him? Oh geez… Ichigo blushed, feeling nauseous as he imagined Renji masturbating in his room at night, thinking about him. Dis- _gus-_ ting.

Part of him wanted to avenge his own honor and go crack Renji's head open over a rock, but rather than acting on misplaced rage, he realized that a lot of Renji's mood swings tonight made sense if he was right in saying that Renji  _did_  feel that way for him.

Renji had left the room after he'd obviously seen him and Orihime kiss, and he'd looked so depressed and upset that Ichigo had no way of  _not_  realizing why now. Renji had hung that mistletoe around the house because he'd been trying to get up his courage after what was presumably a long time of holding the secret in. Renji had been right to think that Ichigo wouldn't accept him. He wouldn't. Ichigo honestly wanted to throw up right now, he was so revolted. He'd  _trusted_  this man. He'd known that Renji might be a weirdo, but he'd still trusted him despite that. So, what? He was some sick gay traitor who wanted to kiss him in place of a girl?

Then again, if Ichigo was fair and honest, Renji had never acted inappropriate in that manner around him. He was his best friend, and if Renji really did want to kiss him, then he'd hidden that desire flawlessly. That alone took a lot of care and love, to put his own desires aside for Ichigo's sake. Some part of Ichigo still hoped that this had been hidden so well because there wasn't anything actually there, because he didn't like to think that he was just too oblivious to see it until now.

Now that the seed of doubt had been planted, Ichigo recognized a bunch of little tells Renji had dropped. There were a lot of things that could be seen as merely best-friendly, like how they would sleep together in the living room while watching TV, or Ichigo would brush Renji's hair or scratch his back where he couldn't reach, and Renji would let Ichigo sit on his shoulders in the pool, but now Ichigo wasn't so sure that all of that had been innocent. How could he ever be sure now that Renji wasn't secretly drooling or something?

Come to think of it, there were a bunch of suggestive comments that Ikkaku had made that had caused Renji to blush and swear, and Ichigo definitely made the connection this time. Oh gross, what a horrible situation. What would he say to Renji in the morning? Should he just ignore it? Pass over it like he had with Orihime?

As easy as it had been to sweep over that kiss with his childhood friend, Renji was another matter for some unknown reason. Ichigo wanted to  _do_  something about it. He was frustrated and upset that Renji had dared think of himself as worthy company, that he felt that someone sick like him was in any way entitled to be friends with him, that it was okay for them to move in together if he felt that way. He…  _Rrrh_ , he could just  _slap_  him!

Okay, okay… Ichigo took a calm breath and exhaled. Let's not be hasty. He had to be more understanding, because Renji had never hurt him, never put him in danger, never acted inappropriately. Renji punched him and fought with him, sure, but Ichigo had thought it was brotherly and friendly, you know? Maybe that's what it was. Renji knew that this love would forever be unrequited, and he'd accepted that. Ichigo should accept it too, but god, it just made him sick.

One of the reasons he found it so disgusting was that he was morbidly curious and he knew that that was horribly wrong, because if he tried it and liked it, how could he go back? Yuck, no, no, no. He'd be stuck with having to be with guys for the rest of his life. Wasn't that how it worked? Once you come out, you can't just change your mind, right? And what the heck?! How could Renji be like this? Sure, he had gay friends, but Renji liked  _boobs_. He was a boobs-guy, and he was constantly teasing Ichigo by pointing this out because he liked seeing him blush. How could he like soft squishy girl parts if he wanted to kiss him?

What was  _wrong_  with Renji's  _mind_? Ichigo honestly was thinking about calling Rukia and asking what she thought about this, and whether he'd get her support if he were to have Renji committed. Seriously, Ichigo felt so unrestful and grossed out right now. Just the thought of Renji being a sick pervert in the other room made his skin crawl.

' _Okay, no, no, stop,'_  his inner voice said soothingly, telling him to take a deep breath. ' _This is Renji we're talking about. Sweet, dopey, annoying, stupid Renji. He's not a threat. He's not dangerous. He's not out to ruin your life. Maybe he just likes you and knows that it's weird and gross, which is why he never said anything. Maybe he didn't mean to blurt that out. His brain is probably just broken or sick. It's probably not even his fault. You shouldn't be mean to him.'_

Ichigo sighed in reluctant agreement with his little shoulder-angel. They were right. Ichigo knew that Renji had been messed up as a kid. He knew that Renji had been touched the wrong way by horrible men, that he'd been abused by his caretakers and that every resemblance of an adult relationship that he'd seen as a child had been horribly twisted. Renji had been screwed up. It wasn't his fault that his mind was like this. It wasn't his fault if that stuff was the reason for his unnatural urges. Maybe the poor guy felt like he'd been spoiled and that now that he'd been touched like that by a man, he couldn't be with a girl anymore. Maybe Renji was broken and couldn't be fixed. Ichigo was pretty sure that could probably happen. Maybe Renji just needed to see a therapist to help him like girls again.

God, Ichigo didn't know. Some part of him that wasn't busy being grossed out felt bad for the guy. He shook his head with a sigh. The thought of someone touching Renji as a child made him upset, and he understood that it could have played a part in this, that this might be why Renji was trying to reenact past events. If that wasn't the case, and Renji had just been born like this, then that was… acceptable, right? Ichigo was one of those people who was okay with the idea of gay people being alive and having rights… He just didn't want them to  _touch_  him, you know? It was threatening, and it made him feel this vulnerability that he didn't like – because to be honest, some dark secret part of him was curious.

The idea of it scared him. Although, the only thing that had changed was Ichigo's awareness to Renji's feelings, now he was worried about what might happen if Renji got drunk and frustrated with him. What if he blackmailed him, threatened him, _raped_  him, even? Even if Renji had never done any of those things before when he'd been upset, Ichigo would always have this little doubt now. What if he couldn't live like this? What if the paranoia would drive him so crazy that he couldn't stand to be in Renji's company anymore, despite all the good times they'd had? What if their friendship was over because of this?

That thought was what got Ichigo to calm down. No. Even if he didn't want Renji's weird gayness anywhere near him, he did _not_  want to lose their friendship. He cared about Renji, really he did, and that acceptance and pride that he felt when he was in Renji's company, when Renji supported him, it just… It filled a hole in his heart, the chasm that had formed when he'd lost his mother. He didn't want to lose that, no matter what, even if it meant that Renji had feelings for him. He hoped that these were romantic feelings and not just…

Geez, he couldn't stand the thought of having another man like Jaegerjaquez after him. One was all he could take. Ichigo gave a tired laugh, still shivering violently. If Ichigo hadn't figured out Renji's feelings, they probably would've slept on the couch together or something, just to keep warm, but no, now that wasn't possible.

The thought of Renji having lovey-dovey eyes for him was much more 'okay' to Ichigo than the thought of him jerking off in a cold sweat over his photograph. He could live with Renji being in love with him, as long as Renji didn't say anything else about it, and if he'd meant for it to be a secret, he probably wouldn't.

Ichigo wondered if Renji knew that he'd given away his secret. He wondered if Renji was afraid that he knew. He wondered if Renji was going out of his mind obsessing over whether or not he was outed, over whether Ichigo was going to plot his murder and expose him to the world for what he really was.

Ichigo grimaced, but decided that he wouldn't move out. Not yet, anyway. Not until Renji gave him a real reason to. There was no reason to punish Renji needlessly for feelings like that. The poor guy probably couldn't help it. Even if it was gross, Ichigo did believe that you couldn't help who you fell in love with, and he wouldn't punish Renji for that. It was no crime to be sweet.

As he closed his eyes and threw his food carton on the floor, he couldn't help but feel miserable. Probably the lingering effects of that stupid mistletoe. God, what fools they could be.

* * *

_Ice burns, and it is hard for the warm-skinned to distinguish one_ _sensation, fire, from the other, frost._


	4. Chapter 4

_You're gonna' catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul._

* * *

He never should've stood under that fucking mistletoe. What kind of idiot was he? He wondered whose feelings he'd hurt more, Orihime or Renji? Guh, what a mess. Ichigo rolled around in fitful sleep for about an hour, never quite falling into dreams and never quite forming a warm spot in his bed.

Meanwhile, Renji was shivering violently in a ball in his bed. God damnit, it felt like he was braving the cold just like he had as an orphan. This time, he didn't have Rukia's little body to snuggle against to preserve warmth, and he repeatedly breathed into his hands and rubbed them together, pulling his knees to his chest.

Internally conflicted, his mind endlessly overturned and went from enraged to accepting as he thought of what had transpired earlier. Ichigo and Orihime had kissed, maybe for the first time, but probably not. They had sprung apart when he'd complained about his stomach, but that was just because they were embarrassed about being seen in front of their friends, surely. They probably hadn't wanted to tell everyone about their relationship yet. They were probably just shy.

Renji sighed. They were definitely boyfriend and girlfriend. Why else would they have kissed? Ichigo wouldn't be dumb enough to just awkwardly stand there and let her do that if they weren't together. Even _he_  wasn't that dumb.

Renji whined miserably, icy hands in his armpits. His blankets were too thin, and the seal of the window right above his bed was faulty. The wind was coming right in. Damn it, where was Rukia and her toasty little hands? To be honest, he wasn't anywhere near as skinny as he had once been, and she had gotten a few inches taller. So much had changed over the years, but one thing Renji still missed was having a buddy at night instead of being left alone with his thoughts. Sometimes he and Ichigo would camp out together in the living room, but it just wasn't the same.

Maybe he should go to her for advice. She probably knew about his feelings for Ichigo, but she'd never come out and said it, just as Renji had never admitted it out loud to her either. Part of him would feel better getting it off his chest, but he didn't know how it would feel to know that it was less of a secret with someone else knowing. Hopefully, Madarame-Senpai could keep his mouth shut about this for as long as they lived.

Renji gave a long groan. It was so fucking cold that his ears were aching. It was probably just the chilling rejection that would surely come from Ichigo seeping into him. Not even Renji's radiator of a heart could melt him.

Rukia had always said he was so warm, just blasting heat out of his chest like the sun, but Renji couldn't feel it. He couldn't tell. Maybe this was how one feels warmth, by braving the harshest blizzards. If he was feeling so chilled, it must mean he was warm by comparison.

If the warmth of having a heart caused him such pain, if it made him endure the frostbite and the slow numb prickle of ice against his palms, then Renji didn't know if he wanted it anymore. Ichigo could have it, the bastard.

Renji grit his teeth. Was this what he had come to? What a dummy he'd turned out to be. What a  _softy._ He'd vowed never to let anyone take his heart away, and here he was, ready to wedge it in a garbage compactor just to spare himself a little pain. He could endure this. He could persevere. He wasn't afraid. No, Ichigo didn't owe him anything, so he shouldn't  _expect_  anything.

He never had, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt like hell. That could only mean that somewhere inside him, hope had taken refuge.

Renji should be happy for Ichigo, really he should. It was pretty plain that Orihime adored her Kurosaki-kun, and Ichigo had a soft spot for her too, although Renji had always held onto that little hope, because Ichigo always kept her at arm's length. Ichigo called her 'Inoue', he was nice but aloof, he wasn't overly interested in what she did with her spare time. Renji had hoped to God that there wasn't anything between them, because he could  _see_  how much Orihime wanted Ichigo to notice her. She wasn't a bad person, and Renji liked her, but he just wished she were  _out of the way._

It looked like the grace period of their youth was over. Ichigo's obliviousness to romance was gone. He was at that age of noticing women. He was finally fully a young man, a young man full of steam who was ready to make a pretty girl happy. Ichigo was finally growing up and becoming interested in girls, although admittedly, it was weird that it had taken so long, because they were in their twenties now. Renji had known this day would come, but it had just come so fast... He'd been naive to think that Ichigo was incapable of falling in love, that he would always want to be alone.

They'd be good together. Orihime would be cheery and Ichigo would be grumpy; she'd bake and he'd bear it with a strained grin. He'd carry her on piggyback and she'd take lots of pictures of them. She'd try to make him dance and he would smile every time he made her laugh. They'd balance each other out. Even their hair blended together. They'd have beautiful wedding photos. They'd be everyone's power couple, never having a fault. Who was he to get in the way of that?

Renji's heart did a couple of zuki-zukis as he bit his tongue. His lips weren't trembling, no, he was just chilly. His teeth were only chattering. There was no sense in crying when the tears would cause frostbite on his face. The idea of being angry with Orihime never even crossed his mind, even though she was an obstacle. She was a sweet girl, and it was no crime to like Ichigo. Hell, everyone fell a little in love with him, even his enemies. He had something inside him that just  _glowed_ , and everybody saw it. Renji couldn't knock her for seeing that too. He didn't blame her. Really, he didn't. He wasn't mad at her, and never would be.

No, he was mad at  _Ichigo._

He was furious, upset that this guy had hurt him so without even realizing, but it wasn't Ichigo's fault either, was it? It wasn't Ichigo's fault that Renji had fallen for him and said nothing for so long. It wasn't Ichigo's fault that he was either asexual, straight, or shy. Renji had no right to be pissed that Ichigo didn't want to be with him. It wasn't fair, because their friendship was already special and strong. That should be enough.

The worst part was that seeing Ichigo with someone else hurt on more than one level. Not only was he jealous that his best friend was drifting away to hang out with other people, he was afraid that he'd finally have to watch Ichigo kiss someone, cuddle someone, maybe even get married to them. Renji should have prepared for this, but oh, how it hurt to see the one you love with someone else.

Especially since he knew that he could never be what Ichigo wanted. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't change the fact that Orihime was infinitely more suited for Ichigo than he was.

Even if his heart was breaking, though, he wouldn't let it be taken away. Even if blood was pouring from his chest, out of his eyes and mouth, even if the pain was monumental, Renji wouldn't let that get in the way of being a good friend. He would bleed, but never break.

He could be strong. If things were going to take this path, then he wouldn't stand in the way. He'd be happy for them, even if it ached. He'd give them his blessing and kiss their babies in ten years.

Smiling grimly, he nodded in satisfaction, closing his eyes as he shivered. That didn't rest long, because suddenly he got an image of himself as Ichigo's best man, watching the two lovebirds get married and leave forever. He imagined himself sighing and tearing their wedding photo apart over Orihime's face just to jam him and Ichigo together. Renji bit his fist, suddenly overtaken by an urge to  _weep._

He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't endure that kind of pain. Even  _thinking_  about how that would feel was causing him to practically retch. Renji knew he wouldn't be able to bear it, but he knew that he had to be a good friend and not interfere. He had to let them be happy, but then what kind of idiot would he be to allow something like that to happen? Should he take this laying down? No, he'd  _die_.

Renji took a breath, moaning lowly.  _Yes_ , he should just lay down, because he didn't deserve a chance. Ichigo wasn't interested in him, and that was plain, but it was just so hard to accept. He had to do _something_ , right?

He just couldn't decide now. Self-preservation or self-sacrifice?

It hurt, oh  _god_ , it hurt. Was he strong enough to accept Ichigo's wishes and back off? Could he stand there and watch him date Orihime? She was admittedly a sweet girl, but Renji's darkest desire was to take her place. He had to try, even if Ichigo would just throw his attempts back in his face, the jerk.

Ugh, there came the anger again. Fuck, he'd kill Ichigo for doing this to him, for bringing him this close to tears so many times. He'd snap his neck. Renji growled, pulling his eyesockets down, because he knew he couldn't actually do that.

It wasn't Ichigo's  _fault_  that he was a weird pervert who was hopelessly in love with his best friend. He wouldn't let Ichigo suffer. He would sit back and watch. He would support his feelings for Orihime.

God, no, he couldn't do that! That would be like willingly setting himself on fire. Giving a dry sob, Renji stared at the ceiling miserably. What should he do? He'd never thought falling for Kurosaki would cause this much trouble, and that was saying something, because the first thing he'd thought when he'd realized his feelings was 'oh, fuck.'

' _Man... Love is weird.'_

Maybe it was just the heartache talking, but Renji was freezing from the inside out. Perhaps Ichigo's cold indifference and his icy heart had finally crept into Renji and put out his fiery passion. Rukia had been wrong. Renji wasn't warm at all. He was being turned to ice already, and the cold just  _burned_.

Renji's breath was fogging in the air of his room, and in his mind that was just  _not_  acceptable. He'd lived on the streets in the winter. He'd starved. He'd nearly frozen to death year after year, night after night, and it wasn't okay that being inside was almost like that right now.

Not wanting to force himself upon Ichigo any further, already regretting his stupid half-assed confession, Renji suffered through it for a while, trying to deny that he was killing the nerves in his extremities by bearing the cold. He pulled his blankets off, an icy blast of air hitting him in the chest. Shivering, he stood up and went to the closet, upset when he saw that there weren't any extra blankets. He got back in bed, rubbing his ears miserably and curling up.

Renji's feet were turning purple, and at that point, digging deep, he sat up. It hurt his pride to do this, but he got up, dragged his blankets with him, and stood in front of Ichigo's door. Hesitating, wondering if Ichigo had understood just what he'd meant when he'd shouted about his jealousy, he took a step back. Would Ichigo move out? Would he hit him if he crossed the line once again and entered his room? Would this be the last straw?

What if Ichigo had figured it out? Renji clamped his hand to his forehead in woe. He hadn't meant to let that slip out, but in his anger, he'd gotten impulsive. He shouldn't have drank so much. He did stupid things, which was why he tried not to drink when he was sad or angry.

He probably shouldn't knock. If Ichigo had found out, he probably needed some alone time to cool down, and then maybe he wouldn't try to kill him the next time they spoke. Renji shook his head in despair. Oh, Ichigo would be so mad.

Was their friendship over now, all because of him? He'd worked so hard to keep the secret. He hadn't even told  _Rukia_. Ikkaku-Senpai only knew because he had guessed, and Renji had been upset over that, because his senpai wasn't the best for keeping secrets.

Renji knocked before he could brood any longer, because he was shivering and half hunching over, blankets wrapped fiercely around his shoulders. "Psst, hey," he called softly. There was no way Ichigo was still awake, so he cracked the door open a little, immediately noticing a difference in temperature. It was just slightly warmer in here. Ichigo's room must have a little more insulation.

"Ichigo," he said at normal speaking volume, not looking in, just holding the door open and speaking into the crack so Ichigo could hear him. "Hey," he called louder, "Are you awake?"

A weird murderous grumble sounded from inside the dark room, and Renji could hear Ichigo thrashing around in bed. As Ichigo sat up, Renji could plainly hear his teeth chattering as he yawned. "What do you want?" he growled, although Renji knew he was only sleepy, not angry. At least he  _hoped_  so.

"Is it okay if I sleep in here?" he asked. Ichigo was dead silent for a good five seconds. Renji scratched the back of his neck, already feeling the awkward effects of having his feelings out in the open. If Ichigo knew, then that had to sound so creepy. "I mean… Um, I can't sleep. It's so cold, man," he complained, trying to sound like he normally did, like Ichigo's  _pal,_  not someone who might possibly enjoy slipping into bed with him a little too much.

Renji opened the door wider when Ichigo said 'yeah', seeing him sitting there on the bed, wiping one eye with his knuckles, the other eye glaring at him intensely. Renji froze up immediately, because at that moment he could tell that Ichigo  _knew._

"But no weird shit," Ichigo ground out, pointing sharply at Renji, as if to say if he put one  _toe_  out of line, Ichigo would have him lynched.

Renji nodded, feeling such an immense wave of relief that Ichigo still trusted him that he didn't even care about the rejection and revulsion in those words. "Okay," he agreed, getting ready to lie on the floor, but he was surprised when Ichigo pulled back the blankets. At first he thought he was going to go get a drink of water, but Ichigo just stared at him and swung his head towards the place beside him until Renji stumbled over there, taking his extra blankets with him.

"Sheesh, it's freezing, huh?" Renji whined as he got into the chilly side of Ichigo's bed, keeping a reasonable distance of about ten inches between them. Ichigo sat up and arranged Renji's extra blankets over the top of them, giving him a cautious sideglance. Oh geez, Ichigo probably knew.

Renji folded his hands over his stomach and closed his eyes to put Ichigo at ease. Taking a peek once Ichigo had lain down, he saw that Ichigo was facing away from him, shoulders tensed as he curled up in a ball.

Shivering violently, Renji's teeth chattered loud enough to be plainly heard as he rubbed his arms to gather warmth. He held the blankets tight even though they were freezing, and crept closer to Ichigo and the warm spot beneath him, the side of his arm just barely touching against his back.

"Okay, you know what? I can't sleep," Ichigo said, sitting up with a dismissive attitude. Renji could plainly see that Ichigo couldn't look at him, his face noticeably pale even in the dark. Something curled up and died inside him as Ichigo left the room, and Renji put his face in his hands, fighting against the sudden urge to burst into hysterics. Ichigo knew. He  _definitely_  knew, and everything was ruined. He couldn't even stand to be near him.

After three minutes, Ichigo came back with a bottle of wine and two glasses. He sat above the covers next to Renji, pulling one of the top blankets around his shoulders as he poured some for himself.

"Here," he said quietly, handing a glass to Renji in a manner where their fingers didn't have to touch. Renji got a lump in his throat and took a gulp of the red wine in an attempt to get rid of it.

Almost immediately rewarded with some warmth in his gut, he ground out, "More," to Ichigo, brows furrowed, eyes averted. Ichigo poured him some more and then took a swallow of his own.

Renji gave a long low sigh and knocked back the second glass. Pursing his lips, then smacking them, he reached out and took the bottle from Ichigo's hand rather than asking for more again. He poured himself some more and then set the bottle on the night stand, burrowing back under the covers as much as he could in a sitting position so he could still hold his glass. Ichigo wrapped himself tighter in his own blanket cave, sitting there for a few moments. He went unnervingly still as if he were in some deep thought, eyes unfocused and hazy as he stared at the wall. Renji waited patiently, knees knocking as he shivered, but Ichigo didn't get back under the blankets, even when Renji told him that it was late and that he should get some rest.

"No, I'm not tired," Ichigo insisted, wiping his eyes and turning away, having been brought out of his daydreams. Renji frowned, but said nothing, pulling the blankets up over the lower half of his face, eyes peeking out in worry and concern. It was clear to Renji that Ichigo wasn't comfortable near him anymore. He'd thought that the poor kid had been okay with Renji's 'lifestyle choice', because he'd trusted him enough to let him into his room  _and_ his bed, but maybe now he was having second thoughts. Ichigo was obviously averse to being close enough to be touched.

Renji knew that trust had nothing to do with the truth, which was why that now that the truth was out, Ichigo no longer trusted him… Ichigo… Ichigo couldn't  _sleep_  near him, because he was worried that Renji might do something. Ugh, Renji had known all along that something like this would happen! He'd wanted to maybe confess under more sweet circumstances, weasel his was in and try to get Ichigo used to the idea, but no, he'd indirectly blurted it out in a moment of rash jealousy, Ichigo had figured it out and had gotten spooked, and now everything was ruined. Why did he have to go and run his mouth and give everything away?!

Renji closed his eyes and didn't move for a long time, just listening to the wind outside and Ichigo's stillness. His hands were cold, fingers pink and stiff where they were wrapped around his glass, and if he tried hard enough, he could force himself not to shiver. Ichigo was thinking things over, perhaps. Renji hoped that Ichigo wasn't just sitting there in paranoia, waiting for Renji to fall asleep first. If he was thinking things through, then there was hope, because Ichigo hadn't hit him yet. Ichigo was calm,  _cautious_ , but calm, and that was good. He wasn't going to set Renji on fire in a hasty rage.

So Renji lay still, eyes closed as he put on his best 'nonthreatening' face, trying to send out the vibes that would best help Ichigo come to a conclusion that wouldn't end with his head getting smashed with a sledgehammer. He could feel Ichigo watching him, but he kept his eyes shut, calming his breathing. The warmth of Ichigo's body was starting to penetrate through the blankets to where Renji's legs were, and just as Renji noticed that, the silence finally broke.

As if waiting for some catastrophic event to occur, something that would color this moment as the turning point of Renji's pitiful life, he was left reeling when all he heard was Ichigo yawning and stretching. After what seemed like forever, but in reality was only about two seconds, Ichigo smacked his lips and got beneath the blankets, scootching over to him until their arms were pressing together. Renji didn't dare move an inch, thinking that Ichigo had assumed that he was asleep and that it was safe to get back into bed.

After a few quiet seconds of Ichigo settling in, Renji opened his eyes, glancing to the side without moving his head, seeing that Ichigo's eyes were open too. They were both laying on their backs, looking at the ceiling, which made Renji nostalgic. It reminded him of when they'd gone camping and he'd burnt every marshmallow Ichigo had tried to teach him to cook, just because it meant Ichigo would keep trying to help him.

"I think the forecast said it was negative twenty," Ichigo commented softly, voice almost overshadowed by the harsh wind that was still whistling and wailing outside. Renji made an affirmative noise, shrugging, heart starting to pound harder and harder. Ichigo had known he wasn't asleep? Then what had he been doing sitting above the covers for so long? Had he been trying to work up some tolerance or trust or something? He  _must_ have, right? Ichigo had been thinking, and the conclusion to whatever thought processes had been going on hadn't ended with Ichigo cussing him out and beating him up. If that were so, that meant that Ichigo was accepting him, accepting the way he was, right? Then that meant that Renji just might have some infinitesimal chance,  _right?_ That was probably quite a stretch. Geez, what a mess this was.

Still, Renji felt a sort of relief that Ichigo hadn't completely exploded even though he knew about his feelings. Maybe he did have a chance. Maybe he could persuade him, bargain or something, work him down until he gave in like he'd planned on doing. A life like that might be completely pathetic, a life where he'd give Ichigo all his love but never receive anything back… Renji thought that might be okay, just as long as Ichigo wasn't hostile towards him. Renji would take  _anything._

Maybe it was the alcohol, but his next words came out easily. "Yeah, it's good weather to hug in front of the fireplace." Ichigo gave a little nod.

Renji gave Ichigo a sideways glance, tossing back the rest of his wine and setting the glass aside. Ichigo was quiet for a minute, looking down with furrowed brows, pulling the blankets up to his chin in what seemed like protection. Not sensing the awkwardness that Ichigo did, Renji smiled warmly. Ichigo wasn't hitting him or swearing, so that meant he was accepting it at least. He still might not like it, but if Renji could just get him used to it, like a wild cat that you could eventually get to enjoy petting… maybe he had a chance.

"It's like… snuggle weather," Renji prodded again.

"Mhm," Ichigo responded, not moving, lips pursing.

"Kinda' romantic, huh?" Renji said tentatively, rolling onto his side, propping his head up with a smile, because he didn't feel so cold anymore even though his feet were like ice. Ichigo made a tight high-pitched noise as their faces got too close together, and his whole body stiffened up.

"Oh, hell no," Ichigo snapped, sitting up, throwing his arms in the air. "C'mon, dude," he shouted, scowling. Renji frowned. "I let you in my  _room!_  I know you're a fucking sicko, and I  _still_ let you in here! I said  _no weird shit!_ "

Renji's heart constricted painfully. ' _Sicko, sicko, you're a fucking sicko! You're sick!'_ If that was how Ichigo felt, then there was nothing to be done.

Renji let out a defeated breath, scratching at the bed with one hand uselessly. He had expected this reaction from Ichigo all along. One thing that hurt more than anything was having his hopes continuously dashed. "I knew you'd hate me," Renji said miserably with a wistful sigh.

Ichigo stared at him for a minute and then gave a long exaggerated groan, pulling his eye sockets down in a combination of irritation and reluctant guilt. Renji bit his lip for a minute when Ichigo flopped back down, crossing his arms. "I don't hate you," Ichigo said, poison in his voice, making his aggravation clear. Ichigo didn't  _want_  to feel bad, but he did.

... Maybe Ichigo liked him, but just didn't know how to get started. Maybe Ichigo was one of those reluctant people that needed persuasion. He might want it, but he just might not  _want_  to want it, if that made any sense.

Pushing his luck, Renji swallowed hard and moved a hand out, trailing it over his arm. Ichigo jumped again, shoulders rocketing up to his ears as he crossed his arms tighter, and it seemed to take all his willpower not to punch him in the face. Renji just lightly ran his warming fingertips over Ichigo's arm, and Ichigo shuddered, but didn't move away. He took courage from that fact, confidence building. "See, this is okay," Renji said comfortingly, fingertips approaching further, until his hand was fully stroking Ichigo's arm, creeping two inches over onto his chest.

Ichigo looked sick then, eyes screwed shut as Renji put a hand very slowly on his cheek, turning his face towards his as he leaned over him. Ichigo was trembling with rage then, but still, he didn't kick Renji off, he didn't hurt him or lash out. Renji could see Ichigo swallow nervously, and did the same himself, leaning down to try to kiss him.

Before their lips could touch, Ichigo freaked out, putting a hand on each of his shoulders and shoving him back roughly. Renji flopped back on his ass, trying not to fall out of bed as he watched Ichigo point at him in disgust. "What the fuck, get  _off_  me!"

"Wait, you might like it," Renji begged, clinging to any small chance that he might have. Maybe he could get Ichigo used to this. Maybe there was still hope. Even if there wasn't, he couldn't die before he kissed Ichigo at least  _once._ "C'mon, just give it a chance," he said calmingly, drawing Ichigo back over to him. Ichigo had been trying to stay still for that, no matter what he said. If he could just get Ichigo to relax, then... yes, maybe... "Just lay down."

"Hmph," Ichigo sulked, slapping him away once or twice and curling up defensively. Renji leaned over him from the side, frowning when he saw that Ichigo wouldn't look at him, cheeks pink with shame. His arms were crossed tight in protection again, body tight and ready to bolt. Renji was doubly aware of where his crotch was in relation to Ichigo's feet, not doubting that Ichigo would use a cheap move if he felt that he was in need of an escape.

Ichigo was scowling, eyebrows scrunched together in humiliation and revulsion, but it seemed like there was something that was keeping him from just flatfuck beating Renji up. Maybe he was remembering Renji's messed up childhood and felt bad. Maybe he  _cared_. Maybe he was willing to sacrifice a few kisses to keep their friendship alive, but was having a hard time getting through it. Either way, Renji was touched that Ichigo was trying instead of just throwing him out the window.

Ichigo shuddered when Renji touched his face, tipping it up to his. He was preparing for battle, sure that this would be over within seconds, but he made the mistake of opening his eyes as Renji leaned in. A noise of disgust rising in his throat as he visually confirmed that he was about to kiss a guy, he clamped his lips together as Renji fought to turn his head to his, mashing their mouths together. Ichigo screwed his eyes shut, trying to turn away, which was hard when he was laying on his back with someone on top of him.

He wouldn't open his mouth, squirming madly and practically gagging as Renji kissed his face, trying to get him to like it, but eventually Ichigo couldn't bear it and shoved him back, spitting and wiping his mouth on his arm. "Dude, that's  _gross_ , what the fuck?!  _Pleh!_ "

"Mm," Renji responded miserably, crushed. Ichigo couldn't look at him, or he knew he'd cave in again. Renji's puppy eyes always got to him, because whenever he saw them, Ichigo saw that poor orphan child and not the muscle-bound man.

"You don't like it?" Renji asked in disappointment. He just didn't understand. He'd tried so hard…

" _No!_ " Ichigo shrieked in a whisper, absolutely mortified. Renji frowned bitterly, eyes falling to his lap.

"She was better, then?" Renji asked, voice tight and steely. Ichigo turned and glared at him, shrugging with as much vehemence as he could.

"Yeah, I guess. At least she didn't try to crush my face."

"Oh." Renji understood now. He'd been too forceful. That was okay! He could fix that! He could be gentle, and then Ichigo could maybe suffer through it. "Well, let me try again."

"Uhk,  _no!_ "

Renji sat there with his hands in his lap, looking frustrated and on the verge of anger, and Ichigo just tried to fight down his nausea as Renji scootched over to him again. "C'mon, you're not even trying," Renji complained. Ichigo curled up in a ball, knees to his chest. "Please, just…" Renji gave a rough exhale, seeing that Ichigo had his head in his hands.

"Dude?" Renji asked timidly, poking his shoulder. Ichigo was silent, not moving. "Ichigo? Hey," he said, nudging him again. Ichigo looked up to him, scowling darkly, cheeks aflame.

"Fine."

Renji was silent for a minute, meeting Ichigo's deadpan stare as if he were waiting for him to say 'psych'. After two seconds of making sure he'd heard right, he took the invitation and leaned in, but at the last second Ichigo dodged, shuddering, making sickie noises and practically retching. Renji's lower lip protruded. Ichigo really was  _disgusted_  by him, wasn't he?

"Please just try it," Renji asked, meeting Ichigo's hesitant eyes. "Just try. No ickiness, no cooties, just  _feel._ "

"I  _am_  trying!" Ichigo shouted hotly, glaring at him with the burning hatred of an eternal storm. "I can't do it, okay? It's disgusting!" Renji sulked.

"Is it looking at me that's the problem?"

Ichigo was silent for a good ten seconds. He seemed upset at the world, furious with Renji, but also furious that he  _couldn't_ be furious, so he ended up just being pissed at himself in this messed up circle of hatred. "I think so."

"Oh…" Renji rubbed at the back of his neck. That stung a little, but now that he thought about it, when he'd tried before, Ichigo's eyes had always been open. "Well, just try closing your eyes if it bothers you." Ichigo gave a sharp breath and nodded, squeezing his eyes shut tightly and swallowing hard. Renji hovered over him, mouth open slightly, taking in Ichigo's expression as he ran the back of his hand down Ichigo's cheek. Ichigo looked like he was preparing to stick his hand in the oven because he had to save his firstborn.

"I knew things would be like this…" Renji shook his head, knowing that Ichigo couldn't see. He rubbed his thumb gently over Ichigo's cheek, tickling his sideburn. "I knew that you'd never want to be near me again after you knew, but… I can't bear the thought of you hating me." Ichigo winced, not opening his eyes as Renji leaned closer. Ichigo shuddered and pressed his lips together when he felt breath hitting his face.

"I didn't mean for you to find out like this," Renji promised, running his hands through Ichigo's hair in an attempt to calm him down, but the more he touched him, the more Ichigo seemed ready to throw up. "I know how you feel about people like me, and I can see that you hate this, but… I think I could make you happy," he whispered, "if you'd just let me."

Ichigo swallowed nervously as Renji's larger body lurked over him. "I don't even mean in bed, okay? Yeah, I wanna' kiss you, but... if that's all I can get... I..." Renji growled. "Fuck, it's not like that, okay? I'm sweet on you." Ichigo's eyes snapped to his sharply, glaring. Renji didn't take it back.

"It wouldn't be so bad... to be with me, right? Even if you never feel the same way towards me, wouldn't it be nice to have someone who loves you?... Because, because  _I_  love you," Renji admitted, finally getting the words out, knowing that this was either the beginning or the end.

He just wasn't ready to say goodbye yet, not while those words had still been kept inside him.

* * *

_There's frost on every window,_  
_Oh, I can't believe my eyes_  
_And in my bones I feel the warmth  
_ _That's coming from inside_


	5. Chapter 5

_We're surfing in the air_  
_We're swimming in the frozen sky  
_ _We're drifting over icy mountains floating by._

* * *

Ichigo hadn't expected those words at all. Sure, he'd thought about it. He'd been pretty sure that Renji had romantic feelings for him rather than pure physical attraction, but hearing it said out loud was another thing entirely.

It made him feel so awkward and uncomfortable that he wanted to curl up and die, but he couldn't deny the confusing warmth in his gut. It was probably just a natural reaction to hearing that someone liked you. Everyone wants to have that, right? And here, Renji was just  _giving_  it to him.

He hesitantly opened one eye, looking up at Renji skeptically, then jumping back when he saw how close together they were.

"Really?" he still asked, biting his lip and looking down at his lap.

"Yeah, I love you," Renji repeated, eyes hazy as he leaned in, and Ichigo could see that he meant it. Ichigo barely had time to protest before Renji had his face between his warm strong hands and was kissing his mouth. Ichigo hadn't had time to barricade his lips, and now he just lay there stricken with his eyes wide open.

He bore with it this time, remaining still and tense as Renji tried his hardest to kiss him. Ichigo still was reeling from those words, not knowing how he felt about them as Renji hovered over him, his breath fogging between them.

"Please," Renji begged in a whisper when Ichigo didn't respond, "Please kiss me back. Only one time." Renji's lips came to his again, the pressure gentle and sweet instead of invasive like before. Ichigo tried not to seize up, but didn't move or breathe at first, letting Renji kiss his face and hold his head. Eventually, deciding 'what-the-hell', his own arms came up around Renji's neck to keep him there.

Gut tight with caution and nervousness, Ichigo closed his eyes and tried to kiss back. As soon as his eyelids closed, things became infinitely more simple, because all he was taking in now was the gentle caresses and the slightly chapped lips pressing against his. Renji made a noise that was almost relieved, whispering his love again as if he were just making sure that he hadn't imagined Ichigo responding.

Those words, without the visual input, didn't seem as scary because he didn't have to see the honesty in Renji's eyes or on Renji's  _face_ , and Ichigo just hummed and pulled him back down, kissing him harder. It was so much easier to try things like this, because with his eyes closed, lips were the same no matter the gender.

Renji made a small breathy noise that was just so happy that Ichigo lost himself, his mouth effortlessly coordinating with Renji's every time they met. Immediately, this incredible fire lit in his gut, and he felt warm all over, his legs lifting to wrap around Renji's hips, pulling him closer. This had to be what his friends had been talking about. He was just  _burning_  and he had to have more.

The way Renji touched him, oh, he could feel the care and consideration he was putting into every movement, and the sound of his breathing told him that Renji's heart was pounding just as fast as his was. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Ichigo realized that he was making a mistake by doing this, but he'd never been kissed like this and he wanted to try it a little longer. With Orihime, he hadn't even had time to react, and earlier with Renji, he hadn't been able to enjoy it.

Somehow, despite all his reservations, he wanted more of this.

Renji's hair tickled Ichigo's forehead as he listened to the low masculine noises exchanging between them, their soft breaths, and the endless touching of their lips. Still dazed from the tingling warmth of the flames in his chest, he let Renji pull away and move down to his neck again. Ichigo lay there in one peaceful moment, before the embers began to cool and let reality return, which caused him to start seizing up again.

Renji's chest was brushing against his, and he could definitely feel his tongue on the skin of his neck, and that was _too much._  His eyes opened in protest as he tried to return Renji to his lips instead, but immediately he felt that revulsion creeping back when he had to see Renji's face so close there, kissing and sucking at his neck.

This time, that sick feeling was more like  _fear_ , and that scared him more than anything else.

He sat up abruptly and shoved Renji back, staring at him with wide eyes. Renji wiped his mouth in confusion, sitting back on his haunches. "What, was that too fast for ya'?" Renji asked, grinning stupidly. Ichigo felt like he needed to take a shower, and he told Renji so. Really, he just needed to go throw up.

"Hey, wait," Renji said as Ichigo made to get out of bed and escape. He grabbed Ichigo's arm, and immediately, Ichigo whirled around and hit him  _hard_.

"Don't touch me!"

Renji's eyes went wide with hurt, but then narrowed as a low growl came from his throat. Immediately, Ichigo realized that he'd let things go too far, that he'd yanked Renji's heartstrings one too many times. Before he knew what was happening, Renji had grabbed him by the front of his shirt, towed him forward, nabbed his shoulders, and pinned him to the bed. He glared at Ichigo as if to say how  _dare_  he cast his affections aside.

This time Ichigo fought. He kicked and swore, but Renji got on top of him and held his arms down, licking and kissing his neck as Ichigo shouted in his ear. " _Let go of me, you sick freak!"_

"Do you mean that?" Renji asked challengingly, expression bitter and sad.

"…" Ichigo's hesitation cost him, because Renji kissed him again, softly enough that Ichigo's guard lowered. Calming them back down, Renji felt his body slowly, not trying to sneak past the barrier of his clothes, which reassured Ichigo immensely. "Stop," Ichigo said firmly, no longer shouting, but no longer panicked or sickened like before.

Renji pulled back, and Ichigo sat up, giving him that look that said they needed to have an honest conversation. Renji looked ashamed, realizing that he'd almost let things go seriously wrong there. He knew that you had to be gentle with wild animals, and shouting at Ichigo and making him feel threatened was not the way to go.

"What, you just don't like kissing?"

"No," Ichigo ground out, confusing Renji. So did he mean, no, he didn't like kissing, or no, he didn't mean that he didn't like kissing? Ichigo's cheeks were pink again, but he didn't look as angry as before, as if he knew he couldn't be so mad at Renji if he had just been making out with him like that.

"What, you just don't know how?"

" _No,_ " Ichigo said vehemently, cheeks bursting into flames as he tried to keep Renji from finding out that he'd never been kissed before today. "I know how!"

"I don't believe you. You'd better prove it," Renji said, without a smirk or a shit-eating grin, but Ichigo still caught the sly baiting, furious that he recognized that it was there but was still unable to resist. He couldn't have Renji thinking that he was some innocent little flower, but he daren't cave in to that manipulation.

Ichigo crossed his arms and brooded, ignoring Renji's advances on him. Renji gave him a tentative kiss, pulling back to check his expression before leaning in again.

"Stop," Ichigo said, shoving him away. Renji pushed him down on his back, getting on top of him. Ichigo inhaled sharply and held his breath, ready to shout and kick Renji off the bed, but Renji wasn't being violent like before, grip firm but not rough.

"No. Not yet," Renji said in an alarmingly soft and guilty tone.

Ichigo swallowed sickly as Renji kissed his way over his chest, and Ichigo started talking fast, disgust coloring his voice again, "Dude, no, stop it. I don't want this." Renji didn't stop, shaking his head and coming back to Ichigo's lips. "Uhk! Stop! That's  _gross._ "

"Just try ta' get through it," Renji said in a hazy voice, sitting on Ichigo's torso. Ichigo moved his face as far as he possibly could from Renji's mouth, cringing under his touch and making disgusted noises every time he made contact.

"Why aren't you listening to me? I said  _stop_."

"I can't."

Ichigo grit his teeth, eyes wide with fear and disbelief when Renji wormed his pelvis lower, grinding his hips on top of his. That was crossing the line. "Wh-  _Stop!"_  he yelled, panicked as Renji leaned back down and held down his arms, kissing him again before he could prepare.

"Shhh," Renji whispered, kissing the side of Ichigo's face and rubbing his hair as Ichigo gripped the sheets tight. Renji bucked his hips again, and Ichigo let out a pitiful whimper, practically begging Renji to stop touching him. "You'll like it."

"Ugh,  _sick_ , get offa' me, you fucking f-" Renji put a hand over Ichigo's mouth and gave him a sad look as he ran a finger under the waistband of his sweatpants with the other, pulling them off. He straddled Ichigo again, grinding his hips, and Ichigo looked ready to hurl, but Renji didn't stop.

Ichigo tried to throw him off when Renji leaned down and bit his neck, grinding his hips. He hit Renji's chest over and over with his fists, but Renji wouldn't get off. "Too rough? Sorry," Renji mumbled, kissing the spot he'd bitten. When Ichigo tried to pry him off, Renji looked so sad and ashamed that Ichigo felt horrible when he really shouldn't.

Renji put a hand on either side of Ichigo's head, leaning down and rocking his hips. He held Ichigo down, who was squirming madly, blushing. "Ew, uhk! Stop it! Don't- Don't move like that!" he begged, grabbing the sides of Renji's legs, trying to get him to stay still.

"C'mon, you'll like it," Renji whispered huskily, grinding his hips down on Ichigo's, pleased to feel some response stirring within his roommate's flannel pants. Renji gave a low moan, and Ichigo gave up on trying to get him off, putting his hands over his face, overwhelmed, just trying to wait until it was over. He'd let things go too far and now he was paying for it.

"Please stop. Why are you doing this?" Ichigo asked timidly, causing Renji to pause. He peeked out at his friend where he was straddling him half-naked.

"I wanna' do it," Renji said lowly, getting closer to his face than was necessary. Ichigo's got a head rush and the room was starting to spin, reminding him of the alcohol they'd had and how wrong this was. "I love you and I wanna' do it with you."

"When you say 'it'… 'It' like… like  _sex?_ " Ichigo stuttered, unable to meet his eyes or hardly get the words out at all. Renji nodded breathlessly, getting insanely hard as Ichigo blushed and lay there stricken, tensing up every time Renji rocked his hips.

"But, but-" Ichigo sputtered, hands scrambling at Renji's chest to try to hold him still. He couldn't think straight with that sensuous obscene motion going on down below. "But, I'm a  _guy,"_  he insisted, as if he thought that Renji was simply confused. "How can you say that? How can you want this? This is  _gross._ "

"I just do. Just like how you want Orihime," Renji said lowly, hands traveling up Ichigo's chest. Mortified, Ichigo slapped at his arms, exhaling sharply, shoving him back.

He didn't bother with correcting Renji about her. There wasn't some secret relationship going on. There was no romance. There hadn't been anything there to begin with. They were childhood friends that didn't really hang out or visit each other's houses. From Ichigo's perspective, they were more like  _acquaintances._  She was there a lot when he was hanging out with Chad or Rukia, but he just didn't feel as much of a connection. She always used honorifics and polite language with him, and he'd done the same, although he was slightly more rude. They didn't talk about serious private things together, and Orihime wasn't someone that he would ever do this with. Sure, he would fight to the death to keep her safe – he loved her dearly - but he wouldn't give this part of himself to her. Not to  _anyone._

Kissing her was still something that he thought back to, but he probably wouldn't do it again. He'd been planning on sweeping it under the rug, forgetting it had happened, because it was no big deal. It had only lasted a second and no longer. It was no big thing.

Why was it different with Renji?

Well, for one, he was a  _guy_ , which was the excuse Ichigo was still fiercely clinging to, but worse, Renji was his best friend. They  _lived_  together and shared intimate secrets, and Ichigo needed that area of space that made it easier to distance himself when Renji got out of the shower or did push-ups in front of him. Ichigo was only comfortable feeling these weird things from a distance. He didn't want to confront them like this. This was happening so fast, and he wasn't ready.

No, if anyone knew that this had happened, he'd be a pariah, a freak, a faggot, and that was just another reason everyone would have to pick fights with him. He'd already dealt with bullying. He had this bright colored hair and that was all he wanted to fight about. He couldn't imagine going through life being denied service or marriage or adoption. He didn't want to have to come out or tell his family and friends. He didn't want to hear the jokes or have to wonder about people imagining what he did in bed at night. He couldn't  _stand_  it, and that was mostly because he'd been one of those people. He  _was_  one of those people.

The fact of the matter was, if Renji hadn't been his best friend, Ichigo would've called him every filthy name and probably would've beaten him within an inch of his life for daring to touch him with those intentions. He would've cringed away from him and have been uncomfortable even talking to him. Ichigo didn't have a high opinion of men like Renji, and it sickened him to think that Renji was trying to turn him into one of them.

He thought and felt weird things sometimes, things that he didn't want to analyze or bring into the light. It was a private secret thing, and it wasn't something he was ready to act on. This was too soon. He didn't want this.

Still, Renji kept saying, 'no, it's  _love,'_  and Ichigo cringed each time, because he didn't feel it anymore. That was just a word. All he could feel was broad hips digging down onto his, big hands feeling up his body, and a low masculine voice pleading with him. He didn't want this, but he didn't know how to say 'no', because 'no' and 'stop' weren't working.

"Please, I want this so bad," Renji begged, and Ichigo's throat tightened up in sickness as he imagined what exactly Renji wanted and how gay sex was supposed to work. Renji wanted to do  _that_  to him? Would he  _make_  him do it? Would he keep pestering him over the months until he gave in and spread his legs open? Would he  _blackmail_ him? Oh,  _why?_

"Just one time," Renji repeated, trying to bargain, trying to corner Ichigo into giving him  _something_. "I just wanna' be with you."

"Why? I don't understand," Ichigo said weakly, head falling limp, struggles ceasing. He was surprised to find himself sniffling, overwhelmed. Why couldn't they just be best friends again? Why did Renji have to ruin everything by confusing him and telling him he wanted to put his you-know-what you-know-where? Ugh, that was not supposed to happen in nature. It was wrong. Why was Renji trying to spoil him and make everyone hate him? If he was messed up in the head and felt that he had to have sex with a man, why did it have to be with  _him?_

"Why are you acting like this? Are you trying to ruin my life? Are you mad at me or something?" Ichigo asked, voice cracking. Renji's movements ceased as his face fell, Ichigo's emotional display having hurt him.

Renji smiled self-deprecatingly, putting his face in a hand, shoulders shuddering. Ichigo paused, looking up to him, heart pounding. Was he…  _crying?_

"C'mon, can't I just  _have_  this?" Renji asked in a raspy voice, meeting Ichigo's eyes. "If you'll never… if you'll never love me, then that's fine, but can't you just… just this once, let me pretend?" He looked to Ichigo with bloodshot watery eyes, and the shame and disgrace Ichigo saw made him feel so guilty he could scream.

"I know you think its gross, but… I'll let you do it to me instead. That'll be better, right? Don't worry, it won't hurt," Renji promised, leaning down and yanking Ichigo's pajama pants down in one go. Ichigo freaked out and clapped his hands over the front of his underwear, but Renji got right back on top of him, taking his embarrassment to the next level when it was easier to feel his hardness between their bodies.

"You won't have to do anything," Renji swore, humming lowly as he ground his hips against Ichigo's crotch, warming them up. "You can put it in me, and then you can lie still. See, doesn't that feel good?" he asked tentatively, feeling that Ichigo was growing hard.

"It's not because of you," Ichigo forced out, referencing his arousal. "It's just because… you keep moving like that," he said through gritted teeth. His cheeks were so red that Renji felt guilty for making Ichigo so embarrassed, but he didn't stop. Ichigo didn't think he could take any more of this.

"Please… Just one time. You don't even have to do anything, just…" Renji swallowed, meeting Ichigo's eyes. Ichigo gave a rough sigh, putting his face in a hand for a long time, before looking back out at him with a glare.

"If you ever bring this up after tonight, our friendship is over." Renji could hear that Ichigo was dead serious, but that was okay, because this was more than he'd ever dreamed of. They were a little drunk, it was late, and it would never happen again. It was okay to do this, right? In the morning they could just call this a mistake and forget about it.

"I'll never fucking talk to you again, do you hear me?" Ichigo threatened, fire in his eyes, making sure Renji knew that he would sabotage him, that he would make his name the equivalent of dirt, that he would make sure everyone knew what a sicko he was and how he'd forced Ichigo into this.

"Okay," Renji said breathlessly, still just reeling that all he'd wished for was finally his, only if for a night. Ichigo crossed his arms, looking to the side, obviously not going to help Renji along at all. "Thank you," Renji whispered, which obviously infuriated Ichigo to no end. He took a few calming breaths, seething, keeping in control, allowing Renji to lightly stroke his arms and chest.

"It's not cause' I like you," Ichigo said again, "It's just to make you leave me alone… Like, just one time, I'll… Whatever, ya' know? This doesn't mean anything, so why not?" Renji nodded gratefully, although his heart was stinging in pain. How he wished that Ichigo knew that he'd much rather have his love, but if this was all he'd be given, he would take it. After this, he could last. He'd have this memory and it would last the rest of his life.

"Got it? We're not doing it again. Ever."

"I promise, this is all I need," Renji said as he pulled down his boxer shorts. Ichigo bit his lip and closed his eyes tight, hands over his face as Renji pulled his underpants down too.

His gut clenched up tight, and he tried not to scream as he felt Renji looking at him. Some extrasensory cue told him that Renji was about to touch him  _there,_  and he jolted and shook his head wildly, practically retching as he shoved Renji's hands away before they could make contact. Renji seemed disappointed, but accepted that Ichigo didn't want to be touched more than was necessary.

Renji spat onto his fingers, getting on top of Ichigo once more, making quick work of himself. Renji knew that it would hurt when the moment came, but that was fine. He had to hurry and do it before Ichigo could change his mind.

Ichigo took a few calming breaths, head rolling back as he swallowed and closed his eyes. He could feel Renji rummaging above him, thighs spreading wider from where they were resting against Ichigo's pelvis.

"Get a condom," Ichigo said quietly, the thought hitting him all at once. That way they wouldn't have to touch, and he wouldn't get HIV. It was fine. It was fine. It was just Renji, and Renji had seen him naked before. He repeated this over and over in his mind, swearing that if Renji started, he would  _not_  punch him in the face. He'd agreed. He'd agreed to this and now he had to keep his word.

Renji had told him that he didn't have to do anything. All he had to do was stay calm and suffer through it. He'd just lie still and take it. It might even feel nice. It would be over quickly. No pressure. No pressure whatsoever. No one would ever know. This wouldn't kill him.

Geez, he never would've thought he'd lose his V-card like this.

When Renji came back into the room, Ichigo winced as he heard the foil rip, nearly jumping out of his skin when Renji grasped him and put the condom on for him. "Don't touch me," Ichigo whispered, but not harshly, just letting Renji know that he'd like him to keep his hands to himself for right now. Renji made an affirmative noise, and Ichigo started to take short anxious breaths as Renji got on top of him, warm muscular legs brushing against his sides. He felt like he was going to pass out, but he knew better than to open his eyes. That would make everything worse. He'd freak out and punch Renji in the dick.

Ichigo made a low nervous noise, breaths growing slower again as he tried to calm down. He breathed through his mouth, hands practically embedded in the mattress.

As Renji looked down at him, trying so hard to imagine Ichigo writhing in pleasure, looking up to him with a smile and a sweaty brow, he could easily see how nervous Ichigo was and how much he was sacrificing just to make him happy.  _Him_ , Renji who had practically assaulted him tonight. Ichigo really was a great friend. He meant so much to people and Renji hoped that Ichigo knew that.

Ichigo swallowed nervously, gasping when Renji's bottom touched against him and rubbed, crushing their erections between their bodies. Renji's bare cock rested next to Ichigo's against his stomach, and Ichigo stopped breathing, obviously able to feel it. Renji suddenly wondered if this was Ichigo's first time, and realized he was doing a terrible thing. Ichigo finally shouted in irritation, "Just do it already, I'm going crazy here!" Renji nodded, listening to Ichigo hiss as he grabbed his erection and directed it back between his legs, sinking down on it.

Ichigo's whole body convulsed, chest and stomach tensing beautifully as Renji's heat encased him. "Aaah-" Ichigo's moan was cut off when Renji leaned down and kissed him, hips meeting Ichigo's abdomen. Kurosaki opened his eyes, trying to push Renji off him because he had gone so fast and the feeling was too intense, but when he did, he saw that Renji's eyes were brimming with tears and his teeth were gritted. "Stop, it's hurting you," Ichigo said breathlessly, still overrun by pleasure and how hard he was despite his nausea. Just thinking about it made him twitch within Renji, who grunted in response.

"Maybe it won't hurt anymore… every day for the rest of my life when I wake up seeing you go on without me," Renji whispered. "If I have this memory, it won't hurt tomorrow when you hate me." Ichigo shook his head, panting as Renji took his own shirt off, moving Ichigo's hand to the tattoos of his abdomen. He wasn't allowed to touch Ichigo, so he tried to make Ichigo touch him instead.

"I'm not listening to that," Ichigo said, gasping and gritting his teeth when Renji started moving his hips, pressing him down into the mattress each time. Renji took his hand away, and Ichigo's hand lingered on his stomach for a moment, falling away when he looked down compulsively at Renji's erection.

"See, it's good, right?" Renji commented, rocking his hips, the small of his back curling in a perfect rhythm. Ichigo let out a breathy noise, head falling back. "Not so bad… It's okay."

He couldn't speak for a while, just hissing and shuddering as Renji rode him. He found that no matter what he did, any way he looked at it, his hips kept moving upwards into Renji, even though he knew that it was  _Renji_  he was doing this with, a  _man_. With a condom on, it didn't count, right? They weren't actually touching, so it didn't count. At least, Ichigo used that feeble excuse to reassure himself.

Renji held himself up with both arms, leaning forward over Ichigo as he grunted in pleasure, bringing his hips down harder. Renji hummed and told him that it felt good, that he'd wanted to do this for so long. The squelching noises and the sweat between them made nausea hit him in a hot wave. "Ugh, nasty," Ichigo hissed, "this is gross. Hurry up, I can't believe I'm doing this." Renji tried to drown Ichigo's mutterings out, since they became less and less with time as the pleasure became too much.

Finally, Ichigo's hands timidly touched Renji's thighs, crawling upwards and around to his backside, to help bring him down harder. Renji met Ichigo's eyes, and immediately Ichigo looked away in shame, breath ragged.

"It's not so bad, right?" Renji gasped out. Ichigo's lips went tight and his eyes narrowed. "Doesn't it feel good, at least?"

Ichigo was quiet for a second, spasming and gasping as Renji clenched and released around him. "Aah, yeah…" Renji locked that little noise away in the deep recesses of his mind for a rainy day.

Ichigo lay there, a spectator to Renji's fun, not daring to move or reciprocate or even  _touch_  Renji because that would make it seem like he was enjoying this. To tell the truth, he  _was_. Oh, he knew this was against nature, but it was like Renji's body had been made for him to be inside, made for him to get pleasure by doing this. It was so tight and hot even with the condom that Ichigo could hardly think of anything else besides that he needed to join in this endless rhythm instead of making Renji do everything. Oh, it felt so good. Renji had to go faster, he  _had_  to, but Ichigo didn't know how to voice this. Renji was going so slow and deep that it was torturing him. He knew that the poor guy was trying to drag things out, but c'mon, just a  _little_  faster?

Finally, Ichigo couldn't take it anymore, and he sat up, knocking heads with Renji as he pushed him onto his back. The look of shock on Renji's face was so striking that Ichigo couldn't bear to look at it, so he closed his eyes and leaned forward to kiss him, pushing his body back so he could spread his legs farther apart.

Renji made a pleased noise and wrapped his big arms around Ichigo's shoulders, and again, Ichigo had to marvel at how well they fit together. He kissed Renji back, keeping his eyes clenched shut, trying to focus only on the pleasure, because if he didn't, he would vomit. He would regret the aftermath later, but not now.

He put his hands at Renji's waist, as close as he could above his thighs, and leaned over Renji's quivering body, trying his hand at thrusting. Renji made a little noise in response, fingers digging into his back. The euphoria that swept through Ichigo with the movement of his own hips caught him off guard, and gasping, eyes shut tight, he tried again, and again, soon in Renji's arms and kissing him as he rocked against him more easily, having gotten the hang of things. The friction was incredible.

He couldn't believe it, but as cold as the room had been, he was sweating now, and Renji was too, clinging to him and begging for him to go deeper. Ichigo obeyed, kissing Renji's face and down onto his chest despite his mind's protests that he not leave familiar territory. He hitched Renji's legs up, pulling his hips up off the bed slightly so he could slam into him easier.

Renji hummed into his mouth, hands running up the back of his shirt and pulling him closer. Ichigo kissed back, even allowing Renji's hot tongue to run along his lower lip. It was getting easier to leave his eyes open, having gotten used to the fact that there was a naked male body beneath him. It was okay to kiss Renji now, because it wouldn't be much longer until this was over. "Mm, I love you," Renji gasped. "I love you, Ichigo."

"I know, you told me that," Ichigo replied, dismissive, but not harsh.

"I love you."

"I know."

"I love you, I do," Renji repeated, kissing Ichigo's forehead as well as he could with his body bouncing from each thrust. Ichigo had become more confident now and was going harder, seeing that Renji's noises of pleasure grew louder when he did so. The power he held to make Renji writhe like that was intoxicating. Ichigo wondered how on earth it could feel good to Renji to have something inside there, but it must have felt good, because Renji wouldn't shut up. "Kiss me," Renji begged. "Just this once let me pretend that you're making love to me."

Ichigo gagged a little, but he nodded, grimacing before he leaned in to kiss Renji's lips, soft and gentle as he might've kissed Orihime if he'd been given more time to react. Renji's legs wrapped around his hips, ankles linking at the small of his back, and the angle felt so perfect that Ichigo groaned lowly, thrusting in quicker succession, holding Renji's hips hungrily as he finished off.

Renji let out a high-pitched keening sound as his erection was pressed between their torsos, and Ichigo would have grimaced as he felt the warm wet sensation spread through the bottom of his shirt. However, he was otherwise preoccupied with gritting his teeth, eyes bugging out as Renji's insides clenched around him with each wave of the man's orgasm.

"C'mon, say it," Renji begged while Ichigo was in the grips of pleasure. Of course, you can get a man to promise anything when he's on the verge of cumming, and Ichigo obeyed, speaking those words to Renji even though they meant nothing.

"Aaah," Ichigo moaned afterwards, holding still as he came inside Renji, thrusting a few more times as he cooled down. The condom immediately felt sticky and uncomfortable, sliding around, but Ichigo was too tired to reach down to take it off. Renji gave a low hum, running his hand through Ichigo's hair, bringing his head down to his shoulder as they both began shivering again, the air between them having gone cold alarmingly quickly. Ichigo lay down on top of him, remaining inside, just sharing a quiet moment as Renji tried to hold onto whatever was left of this dream.

* * *

_Your love is like the snow. It's stupefyingly beautiful, but if one lingers, the cold sting is unbearable._


	6. Chapter 6

_Ah, observe the majesty of the mighty iceberg. This frozen giant, normally found floating in polar regions, can sometimes stray into warmer waters._

* * *

After having dug extra clothes out of their suitcases, they had huddled in the darkness holding each other for about an hour, alone with the howling wind rocking the car and the snow that was burying them alive. From what Ikkaku guessed, they'd been stuck here for the better part of two hours, maybe more, and after they ran out of reassuring things to say to each other, they fell asleep.

When Ikkaku awoke, shivering violently, it took him a moment to realize that he'd opened his eyes. After lying still for another few minutes, getting reoriented, he felt that his legs were wrapped around someone's waist, and their torso was pressed against his, locked tightly in his arms. Blinking a few times, he began to pick out the seats of his car from the dim light of the glow-in-the dark keychains he kept clipped to his sunblinds.

"Yumichika?" he whispered, feeling around to Yumichika's head. His hair was cold, and even his numb fingers could pick that up. Immediately, Yumichika sat straight up, whining when he whacked his crown on the roof of the car. Not knowing what was happening, he scrambled around in panic until Ikkaku held him still so that he didn't fall to the floor. "Woah, woah, calm down." After Yumichika realized where he was, he got off of Ikkaku and sat next to him, rocking himself and shaking all over. Ikkaku's teeth chattered like mad as he rummaged in the trunk for any more sweaters he could put on, anything they could layer themselves with.

Waking up in the dark was terrifying in itself, seeing that the car was now completely buried, insulating them from the cold wind, but also keeping them from opening the doors and escaping. Their breath fogged in front of them, and the feeling that they were surrounded by concrete walls made everything that much more scary. How much time had passed? How deep had they been buried? Would they ever get out of here or were their corpses to be found later, perfectly preserved by the frost?

After sitting there in the dark and the quiet for a few more minutes, Ikkaku's heart broke when he heard some soft noises from his left, and then some sniffling. Yumichika took a breath in again, and it became clear that he was weeping. "We're going to die in here," he cried, kicking the door and beating his fists against it in a short violent outburst before he curled up and sobbed.

"Shh," Ikkaku said, "C'mere." He held him for a little while as he wept, petting his hair and back. "Calm down. We'll be fine. We can wait this out. It's fine," he repeated, although the words sounded dull even to him, because he'd already said them so many times.

Yumichika sniffled, unable to stop himself now as he sobbed and clutched his stomach. "Oh, Ikkaku, I'm so hungry, and my hands… my hands are so cold," Yumichika blubbered, holding his useless numb hands up for Ikkaku to kiss.

"It's okay, just put them here," Ikkaku offered, lifting his sweaters up a little so Yumichika could slip them onto his belly and chest. He jumped back as his warm skin touched against his stiff icy fingers. Yumichika sniffled and cried, whimpering that he wanted Kaa, that he wanted Renji, that he wanted his sister. "Sh, sh, sh, shhh," Ikkaku whispered, holding Yumichika as he cried into his chest for a while, warming his hands up. "Try to stop crying, you'll get even colder."

It was true. Yumichika's cheeks were pink and freezing, warm tears having gone cold against his face in the frigid air. Ikkaku didn't dare point his own face towards Yumichika's to check, because his warm breath would just make things worse. He held Yumichika's face into his sweatshirt, covering him with another blanket, head and all, running endless circles over his back until his shuddery weeping ceased.

Thinking he would fall asleep again soon, Ikkaku began humming lowly, pulling his hood lower over his head, a sweatband covering his poor ears. He patted Yumichika's back gently and ran raindrops down his shoulders with his fingertips, drumming softly until Yumichika's breathing evened out.

Yumichika made a soft humming noise, bringing a hand out of Ikkaku's sweatshirt to adjust the blanket over his face, bunching it around his freezing ear as he lay his head on its side. Ikkaku could see now that Yumichika's hands were bright red as they were starting to thaw out against his stomach, and his lips were blue and quivering. Ikkaku knew he probably didn't look much better.

In a deadened 'it's-the-end' tone, Yumichika whispered, "There's only one way now." Ikkaku looked to him in concern, petting his head and making him lay it back down on his chest when he tried to get up. Affectionate and protective more than he had ever been before, Ikkaku was almost glad of this stupid blizzard, grateful that at least they would die in each other's arms with a mutual trust.

"What's that?"

"We have to do it," Yumichika said dully, lifting his head up and looking him in the eyes, mouth tight and gaunt. Ikkaku knew what he meant immediately, but did not reply, trying to get Yumichika to lay down and go to sleep.

"We have to," Yumichika insisted, taking his hands away, crawling up his chest. "You can close your eyes… No one will know," he persuaded, hands pulling out of Ikkaku's shirts and fisting in the front of them. "Please," he begged, seeming to hate that he had to ask. Ikkaku couldn't meet his eyes, becoming terribly shy. It was impossible for him to say yes to something like this, but he knew that their options were limited. He hated to do this to Yumichika, knowing how horrible he must feel, but he didn't see a way around it.

"Please, I don't want to die," Yumichika begged in a cracked voice. Ikkaku swallowed and closed his eyes, nodding.

"Okay."

* * *

Ichigo finally moved back and looked down at the space between their bodies, disgusted to see that he was indeed inside  _there._  He pulled out and peeled the wet condom off, hurling it away from him as he pulled his pants up.

Flopping to the side, still panting and riding out the last of the pleasurable tingles, Ichigo swallowed and closed his eyes, disgusted as he listened to Renji put his clothes back on. He hadn't wanted his first time to be like this. Already, the warmth had faded, leaving behind only a deep feeling of sickness and filth.

It was okay, Ichigo reasoned, because it would never happen again. No one would ever know, and they would never speak of it after tonight. It was all over with now.

When Ichigo finally opened his eyes to get under the covers, he saw that Renji was sitting up with his head in his hands. His eyes were wet and red, and he looked like he wanted to jump off a bridge. Ichigo shared the sentiment. "I'm sorry, man…" Renji croaked. "I'm really sorry."

"Just forget it," Ichigo grunted, turning to the side, ignoring the wet patch on his shirt. That's all he wanted to do was forget about this, bury it in the furthest recess of his mind and then set fire to it until there was no evidence that he and Renji had ever had sex in his bed at night when it had gotten chilly.

"Quit cryin'."

Renji sniffed, wiping his eyes. "Sorry," he repeated. "I know it makes you feel bad," Renji said in a raspy voice. Again, Ichigo told him to forget about it. Renji touched Ichigo's back. "I'm sorry." Ichigo kicked him away, which made his gut tense up, because he could practically  _feel_  the heartbreak he was causing his best friend.

"Shut UP!" Ichigo shouted, trying to block out the guilty words. God, couldn't he just go to bed? He'd wanted to get that over and done with. He didn't want to talk about this, because if he did he'd have to look inside himself and admit that he'd caved in, that he'd enjoyed that, that he'd had sex with another man and that he would always have to hide that for the rest of his life.

"You got what you wanted, okay? Now leave me alone," Ichigo ground out, doing anything he could think of to drown out Renji's tears. He couldn't  _stand_  being around someone when they were crying, especially if he couldn't comfort them.

"I just can't help it," Renji said, shaking his head, smiling sadly. He laughed once, causing Ichigo to give him a glance. "It went so fast. I said I'd be happy, but I still want more," Renji said with a hard swallow, looking down at his lap. "What could I do… what could I do to ever make you give me a chance?" Renji asked pleadingly, giving Ichigo a hopeful look.

Ichigo gave a weary sigh, trying to be sensitive about this, because he got that Renji was hurting really bad. "I don't feel that way for you, okay?" he said gently as Renji scootched over to him and touched his arms and chest. As dirty as Ichigo had felt a moment ago, now he felt numb, desensitized to the warm hands on him. His words came out automatically, offering him a defense so that he didn't have to feel as he said them.

Renji gave a minute shake of his head as if he couldn't go on living if that were true. Ichigo felt like he was watching a sad movie as he saw Renji flail for a middle ground. "Couldn't we be friends, though? Things wouldn't have to change," he said hopefully, hand curling around Ichigo's cheek as he moved closer to him, trying to initiate a post-coital embrace. Ichigo didn't move, not responding other than meeting Renji's eyes to show him that he really just didn't feel anything. "It would be good… You could just let me…" Renji cut off, choosing his words carefully.

Ichigo's expression soured slightly as he wrinkled his nose and looked away, gently taking Renji's hands off him. "Let you what? Pry my legs open and turn me into-"

"No," Renji said back, shaking his head. "Just let me into your heart… Let me love you," Renji whispered, pulling on Ichigo's hair pleadingly as he stuck out his lower lip. "It'll be nice, won't it? To have someone be nice to you? You don't even have to respond, you could just let me love you," Renji suggested, but Ichigo still heard the undertone of begging. "No one would know but us."

He shook his head.

"Why?" Renji asked, face falling as he realized that this was the end, that that short roll-around they'd had was all he was going to get for the rest of his life. "What's wrong with it? What are you scared of?" Ichigo gave a long sigh, finally willing to negotiate, because he couldn't have Renji thinking he was a fraidy-cat.

"If I did…" Ichigo forgot what he was going to say, changing his mind, shaking his head again. "No, it won't work. Just forget about it, man."

Renji narrowed his eyes and scrambled for what he could make better, for what he could add that might make Ichigo accept him. "Is this about Shuuhei?" Renji asked. Ichigo immediately got pissed, but kept it under, because he refused to believe that this bubbling of hot emotion was jealousy. That wouldn't make sense. He didn't want to be with Renji, so who cared if he had something going on with Hisagi?

"No."

"Because we've been-"

"I said  _no,"_  Ichigo snapped, cutting him off. "Look, dude," he said roughly, causing Renji to look down dejectedly. "If I give in and I don't like it, I'll never get you to leave me alone or give up. You'll never back off and then my life will be ruined. I can't just change my mind if I said yes to that. I can't close my heart back up, okay? Maybe you can live like that, but  _I can't._ "

That last bit seemed to give Renji hope, because he looked up with wide eyes, warm hands reaching out to him. Ichigo didn't shy away this time.

"Couldn't we make some kind of deal? Until you trust me? No one has to know," he promised. "I don't want things to be like this." Ichigo was quiet for a long time.

"I'll think about it."

Renji smiled, linking a finger through Ichigo's, setting his head down obediently to let Ichigo think. He was asleep within moments, and Ichigo was left awake to stare at the ceiling, heart beating slowly along with the icy wind outside. He swore he could feel frost melting in his chest, but the storm was far from over.

* * *

_The dignity of movement of an ice-berg is due to only one-eighth of it being above water._


	7. Chapter 7

_As long as you love me so, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow._

* * *

Ikkaku lay there on his back, stunned and staring at the ceiling. He didn't think he was ready to have sex. God, what would he  _say?_  How would he be able to look Yumichika in the eye after he'd been inside him? He just didn't know what to do, cheeks red as Yumichika sat up from where they'd been hugging for warmth and comfort. The idea that someone was going to see him naked was terrifying, albeit exciting. He would've been lying if he'd said that this situation was all bad.

It became embarrassingly frank that Ikkaku was painfully hard where Yumichika's hips were now pressing down; just the idea of what they were going to do was already getting to him. He gulped hard when Yumichika made eye contact with him, and his hands automatically went to Yumichika's thighs, which had naturally gone onto either side of Ikkaku's middle, leaving him straddling him.

"Do you have a condom?" Yumichika asked as he opened his own pants, pulling them off only as far as was necessary. Ikkaku whined and covered his face when Yumichika slid one leg out of his jeans and underwear, straddling him again. How could Yumichika be so shameless? Wasn't he nervous too?

"No," he sputtered, guarding his eyes with one hand, but still trying to peek around it, "What would I do with something like that?!" Yumichika gave a nod, looking to the side with pursed lips.

"Okay," he said quietly, climbing into the front seat, shivering violently all the way as he got one out of his belongings. He asked Ikkaku if he was allergic to latex or if he thought such and such size would fit, but Ikkaku was still too embarrassed to speak, eyes bugging out. Yumichika put his hands in his lap, sniffing and shaking his head. "You think I'm a whore," he said brokenly, putting his head in his hand, and Ikkaku shook his hands wildly.

"No, no, no, no," he said quickly, not wanting to make Yumichika break into tears again. "I mean, it's fine, it's fine to have a condom, right? It's okay if you want to protect yourself from, ya' know, stuff that I might have," he stuttered, saying anything he could to keep those tears inside Yumichika's pretty eyes from falling. It would be hard enough to let himself have sex with Yumichika, but god, he just couldn't do this if Yumichika was going to be  _crying_  when they did it.

"No," Yumichika said solemnly, getting on top of him again and grabbing the front of Ikkaku's jeans like he owned this now. "This is to protect  _you_ ," he said firmly, wiping his eyes with his knuckles. Ikkaku stopped then, clenching his fists nervously, eyes still continually flicking to Yumichika's bare parts and where they were resting against his prone body.

"You… you have an STI?" he inquired, feeling awkward as Yumichika unzipped his jeans for him.

"No," he answered, looking him in the eye as he ripped the condom open with his teeth, which just about made Ikkaku cum in his pants. "But you're a virgin." It wasn't a question. Ikkaku turned bright red.

"…" He looked to the side in shame, putting a hand over his eyes. Well, that was just great. This night couldn't get any more uncomfortable.

"I couldn't live with the guilt if I took that from you," Yumichika said in a strangled tear-choked voice, pulling up the waistband of Ikkaku's underpants so he could roll the condom down over Ikkaku's erection. Oh, those words made Ikkaku so mad, and even the pleasurable jolt of having Yumichika touching him couldn't block it out completely.

"It's not taking it," Ikkaku said lowly, scowling. "You don't know I'm a virgin. You don't know that. I might  _want_ to do it with you. Don't act like I'm a little boy," he raged darkly. "Just because I haven't done it yet doesn't mean I'm not a man, and men don't get scared." Ikkaku peeled the condom off, chucking it on the floor, glaring meanly. "Don't fuckin' act like you're looking out for me. You don't owe me anything. What if I  _want_  to do it,  _huh?"_

"Do you?"

Ikkaku's confident attitude fled immediately, and he was blushing and stammering all over again. He couldn't look at Yumichika at all, far too shy.

"You're right," Yumichika said with a wet smile, getting on top of Ikkaku and rubbing his naked rear down onto Ikkaku's groin. He groaned deeply, hands compulsively coming to Yumichika's backside to pull him down harder, surprised to feel that Yumichika's butt was colder than his own fingers. Letting go immediately, he apologized, stuffing his hands in his armpits.

"Don't look," Yumichika said, leaning back. Ikkaku covered his eyes, not realizing what he was doing until he heard a wet sound and some little noises from Yumichika. This went on for three minutes, until Ikkaku's erection was jutting at Yumichika's back, because it was perfectly plain that Yumichika was literally masturbating on top of him. His imagination was killing him, because if he would just peek then what would he see? What would it  _look_  like? Before he could decide whether or not to look, Yumichika was lowering himself back down, his weight a pleasant pressure against his lap.

"Okay," he said timidly, and Ikkaku spread out in the backseat, making it easier for Yumichika to sit on top of him. Yumichika raised himself up and moved a hand between them to get started. He looked so tortured and wracked with self-disgust that Ikkaku couldn't stand it. It was too soon. It was too fast for both of them. They'd both regret this later and that would drive them even further apart. The thrill of fear that things would be over was strong enough that he jolted upwards.

"No, no, I changed my mind, this is wrong," Ikkaku suddenly said, trying to sit up, but Yumichika shook his head, apologizing and saying that they had to. "No, I need more time," Ikkaku begged, trying to push Yumichika back. "I can't do it yet."

"We have to."

"I can't do this," he said breathlessly, starting to panic and mince words, "I… You're just… You're so beautiful, and I… Look, I just can't do this, okay?" That stopped Yumichika in his tracks, and Ikkaku could see something like hope building in his eyes again, like he had when they were back at the house-party.

"I just… Please, I need more time," he admitted. It was too fast, even for a young hot-blooded man such as himself. They hadn't even  _kissed_  yet, Yumichika thought that Ikkaku thought he was disgusting, and Ikkaku had wanted to date for about a year before they went to bed – not that he'd obsessively thought about what a relationship with Yumichika would be like or anything.

He just couldn't stand the thought of Yumichika doing this with him as a last resort.

"It's okay," Yumichika promised. "Just close your eyes." He ran his icy fingers over Ikkaku's face, helping him lay back down as his other hand went between his legs, grabbing Ikkaku's cock, which was like lava by comparison. Ikkaku hissed as Yumichika lined him up and then pressed down on him slowly. "Put some strength in your stomach, or you won't last," Yumichika advised, expression hardly changing from that of apologetic guilt.

Ikkaku's gut clenched up, and again, his hands immediately grabbed at the juncture between Yumichika's legs and waist, pressing him down harder because he  _had_ to get in as far as he could. He longed for this destructive heat and the tightness it promised. Oh, it felt so good, he couldn't even believe it.

"Tell me when you need to take a break," Yumichika said breathlessly as he started moving, hardly giving Ikkaku a second to adjust, which nearly made him black out from the intensity. He bounced up and down in his lap, pinching his chest through his own layers of clothing, as if he hardly noticed the torture he was causing. Ikkaku just lay there, stupefied and moaning, breath ragged.

"Ohh, ohh, ohhhh," he moaned endlessly as the car rocked with each curling of Yumichika's hips, which pressed him down into the seat and made his eyes roll back.

When he finally got a handle on things to which he could speak a full sentence, he grit his teeth, gut tight as he bravely stuck a hand out and touched Yumichika's stomach and chest, rubbing on him a little as he gasped, "You're so pretty. Did I ever tell you? I think you're so pretty. I… I love your body, oh, don't stop." His hand fell away, and Yumichika let out a ragged breath, biting his lips and going harder.

He could see sweat beading on Yumichika's brow and tried to sit up, finally able to move now that he could fully process the pleasure without being completely paralyzed. "You gettin' tired? Can I try for a little while?" Yumichika hummed in ecstasy as Ikkaku sat up and rolled them forwards so that Yumichika was on his back, Ikkaku on top of him. He took one of Yumichika's ankles in each hand, hitching him closer and wrapping his legs around his waist. The slick feeling of skin on skin and the heat of being inside Yumichika was just amazing. He had to have more.

Ikkaku gave a hungry groan as he pulled his own pants half-way down his thighs, removing one of his sweaters to give himself an easier time. He couldn't believe it, but he was breaking a sweat; it was too hot in here already. Yumichika tightened his legs around his back to pull him back to him, and Ikkaku growled, reaching down between them to direct himself back inside.

The friction he received when  _he_  moved instead of Yumichika caused his vision to go white for a minute as he let out a slow breath. When he felt like he had some self control, he watched Yumichika's expression in curiosity, giving a cautious thrust, then a harder one when Yumichika didn't respond at all. Yumichika's face seized up momentarily, and Ikkaku froze.

"Are you okay?" he whispered, eyes open wide.

"Yeah," Yumichika said breathlessly, his arms desperately reaching out for Ikkaku's shoulders. He obligingly leaned down, letting his slender sweater-garbed arms wrap around him as he pressed in deep, rocking slowly for a while.

"Like this?"

"Yeah."

Ikkaku couldn't restrain his deep groans nearly every time he thrust back in, and he couldn't help but notice that Yumichika was almost unnervingly silent. He looked to his face nervously, seeing that Yumichika's eyes were closed, brow scrunched a tiny bit. It didn't seem like Yumichika had gotten hard, and that really concerned Ikkaku. Was it okay? Was he just sacrificing this or could it really feel good to have someone inside there? Oh, he just had to give Yumichika  _something._

He grunted lowly, trying with unlocking Yumichika's legs from around his waist, moving them to his shoulders, changing his pace as the angle of entry also changed. Looking to Yumichika's face and recognizing the hitch in his breathing, Ikkaku slowed down in concern, going deeper instead of faster. Yumichika seemed to like that, because he bit his lip, cheeks getting rosy, his breaths becoming irregular.

"How's this?" he asked, and Yumichika opened one eye to peek at him, and suddenly Ikkaku realized that Yumichika was trying to be apart from this, that he was trying to act impersonally and numbly so that it would be easy to forget when it was over. Well, if they were doing this, then they were going to do it right, and Ikkaku was trying to do a good job. He didn't  _want_  to forget this had happened. Sure, he hadn't wanted to do it yet, but now they were, and Ikkaku didn't want this to end.

"It's okay," Yumichika whispered in response. Ikkaku frowned.

Thinking as hard as he could when it felt so good, he sat back a little further, pulling out until he could see the rim of the head of his cock, pressing back in in one smooth motion. Yumichika's mouth opened wide and his eyes closed in pleasure, and Ikkaku smiled a little, less bothered by his silence. Maybe Yumichika was just the quiet type. "Is this good?" he asked, doing it again, in disbelief when he felt even more warmth begin pulsating from within Yumichika.

Oh, the skin on skin feeling was so good, the wetness and the tight grip sending him into blissful tingles. More than that, the  _heat_  was amazing.

"Yes," Yumichika choked out, "That's good." Ikkaku could see him holding his breath, mouth opening again as he hunched over him and relocated his legs around his waist, thrusting against him in a steady rhythm.

"Nnn," Ikkaku panted, speeding up, unable to help it as he approached orgasm. He'd known that he wouldn't be able to go for very long, but it was still disappointing when he saw that Yumichika needed someone with much greater stamina than his. With a tremendous display of willpower that surprised even himself, Ikkaku pulled out, backing off.

He panted in disbelief that he'd just done that. He had just had sex with Yumichika. They'd had sex in his car. He'd been  _inside_  of him. A little moan left his mouth as his erection jumped in his hand, but he just sat back in shock, breath still fogging in front of him. The cold air stung against his wet arousal, but as Ikkaku leaned against the door, he felt warm all over.

Yumichika covered himself up with a blanket, and it was clear that he was fingering himself under there but not enjoying it much. He looked disappointed, and Ikkaku felt ashamed, looking down. Yumichika probably hadn't gotten much pleasure from him. If he wasn't aroused, he had to be freezing right now. It made Ikkaku feel extremely guilty, because he was over here sweltering. "Just lemme' take a break," Ikkaku said, breath calming as he spread out in the back seat, putting his feet up as he let out a long exhale. Oohh, that had been good.

They did it again in a few minutes, and then again, and then again. They fucked probably ten times, and by then they were nearing exhaustion but were so horny that they didn't care. Ikkaku didn't even have a shirt on anymore, radiating heat, and Yumichika was naked from the waist down, on his elbows and knees, moaning for it and pushing back with each hard thrust of Ikkaku's muscular body.

"Mmm, yeah," Ikkaku moaned, much more comfortable with it now, but so sensitive that he was ready to explode. Yumichika was completely boneless and shaking all over, but not from the cold. Apparently, he could orgasm without ejaculating, which boosted Ikkaku confidence considerably when he saw how much pleasure he could bring Yumichika. Ikkaku still wouldn't let himself cum, beating himself up inside that they could do this together but Yumichika wouldn't let him hold him like a lover, that they couldn't kiss. This was just for survival. Just for survival.

Ikkaku growled and turned Yumichika's limp exhausted body over, laying on top of him, spreading his legs. It wasn't hard to look at where they were naked anymore. It wasn't hard to be obscene or thrust into him and watch himself do it. It was still hard to admit to himself that tomorrow, this wouldn't exist. This bond that Ikkaku felt, this tie to him that had grown so much stronger now that they'd been intimate, he didn't want that to go away. He didn't want his chances to be completely ruined now just because they'd had sex to keep from freezing to death. Things couldn't be the same after this, and he knew it, but he didn't  _want_  things to be that way.

When their faces were placed closer together in this position, Yumichika turned his head to the side as Ikkaku rolled his hips slowly. Ikkaku was crestfallen. Yumichika couldn't even look at him? He was so ashamed that they'd done this that he couldn't bear to look in his eyes? Ikkaku stopped, pressing their chests together, taking Yumichika's face in his hands, rubbing his cheeks with his thumbs.

"Kiss me," he whispered. Yumichika's reserved eyes flicked to his momentarily, and Ikkaku leaned forward, kissing his unresponsive lips. Discouraged, he kept trying, humming lowly as he thrust into him deeply and kissed him again. "C'mon, gimme' a kiss," he mumbled with a pitiful laugh, pinching Yumichika's nose between his teeth before he moved back to his lips. Yumichika's mouth curved in a smile as he kissed back once.

Yumichika was absolutely worn out, and Ikkaku could tell by the way he was breathing heavily and hardly moving, extremely sensitive towards Ikkaku's touch. He pecked Yumichika's cheek and moved a hand between them to gently slip himself out.

"If we get outta' this," Ikkaku said, pulling back and slipping a shirt on, tucking himself in his pants, "You wanna' go out with me?" Yumichika tried to sit up, legs moving lethargically and then flopping back open. His cheeks turned pink, but he just closed his eyes, letting Ikkaku look at his bare body and his spread legs. Ikkaku got the point and lifted Yumichika's hips, helping him get his pants back on.

"How can you look at me now and say that," Yumichika mumbled, almost inaudibly. Ikkaku ignored him and repeated himself.

"If we survive, we should go on a date."

Yumichika gave a small laugh, already missing Ikkaku inside him. Ikkaku wasn't gone from his arms for long, no longer caring that they weren't having sex right now and that they shouldn't be touching anymore. Yumichika was secretly glad for that, and hated himself for it. Ikkaku got back on top of Yumichika like they had been, Yumichika's legs around his back, their torsos together, Yumichika in his arms.

"I would've liked to meet your family," Yumichika said sadly, stroking the side of Ikkaku's face, their heartbeats concentrated where they had joined, their hips pulsating with warmth against each other. Ugh, Ikkaku was so horny. He'd never wanted to cum so bad, but he ignored that, listening to Yumichika talk like they would never escape, never be found.

He kissed Yumichika's fingers, holding them to his face, finding it much easier to meet Yumichika's eyes now that they'd had sex. It was funny how he'd thought that things would be more difficult, more awkward, but it had just made Ikkaku more sure that he was in love. He wouldn't let Yumichika get away. He'd be the best boyfriend in the world and he'd make Yumichika love him more than anything else. He wouldn't let Yumichika regret this.

"It was sweet of you… to bring me with you," Yumichika said, eyes growing wet again.

"No," Ikkaku said firmly, holding him tighter, putting on a few more layers as his sweat began to dry in the cold air. It was still so dark in here, but their eyes had long since adjusted to the complete lack of light, and they could see each other's faces and eyes clearly.

"We're not gonna' die," he promised. "We're gonna' be okay." Yumichika sighed tiredly, eyes closing. "Listen. Stay awake, don't leave me. I  _like_  you, okay?" he admitted, although the words shouldn't have been so hard to get out. His silly crush from earlier on in the night seemed completely stupid to him now. Why hadn't he just told Yumichika how he'd felt, swept him off his feet, and made him feel just how beautiful he was?

"I wanna' be with you," he whispered, kissing Yumichika's cheek. Yumichika shook his head, tears falling.

"I won't take advantage of you. It's just oxytocin," he said breathlessly. "It's just because we did it so many times. You'd feel differently," he said, sure of himself even though it was obviously breaking his heart. His lip quivered and Ikkaku kissed his tears and said 'no, baby, no'.

"You'd feel differently if you… Just because you've been with a man, now you think you can't go back," Yumichika said, voice quaking as he wiped his own eyes. "You can't separate sex and love yet, because this was your first time. You'd never want someone like me otherwise... You don't know what you're saying," he said with a sniff.

"No," Ikkaku said. "Maybe it wasn't love, but… I have a crush on you, okay? I have for a few weeks, and… I wanted so bad to help you out, to make you like me back," he said with a stupid smile, trying to convince Yumichika that he'd wanted this all along and that it hadn't just been 'the-only-way-out' for him. "I didn't want things to happen this way. I'll be honest, okay? I didn't want to do it with you. I didn't want things to turn out like this, but they have, okay? And… and all I know is, I don't want to be with anyone else," he whispered.

Yumichika smiled sadly like that was a nice thought. "No. You're not like me," he said, frowning bitterly then. Ikkaku rolled them over and sat up, holding Yumichika in his arms, who was balling up. "You can live a normal life with a beautiful girl and have a child," he said sullenly, looking off into the distance in grief. "There's no hope for me."

"Tch'. Not for me neither. Not since the first moment I saw your face," Ikkaku said, kissing the top of his head. Yumichika was not beswayed, insisting that they would die here anyway and that they shouldn't lie to themselves.

They were both shaking all over from hunger and the cold as their sweat dried, and they were still breathless from such heavy activity in the thinning air, but Ikkaku thought that they would make it.

"We're going to live, I promise. We'll get outta' this," he said, making Yumichika meet his eyes as he smiled wider, promising him everything, "and we'll go on dates, and we'll go dancing, and I'll make you fall in love with me. We'll be happy. We'll live." He took Yumichika's hand and interlaced their fingers, bringing them to his lips.

Maybe this rush of fond emotions really  _was_  the result of them having sex, but Ikkaku didn't care. He would take responsibility for this, and he wouldn't leave Yumichika all alone because of these bad circumstances. He had wanted them to be together from the beginning, and sure, this was a bad way for them to start a relationship, but that didn't mean he wanted to give up.

Yumichika's tears were gone now, but the look on his face told Ikkaku that he was hurting more than ever. Dully, he said, "Even if that were so... My family would rather I was dead." He looked up to Ikkaku's eyes solemnly. "I will not condemn you to such a fate, just because you think you love me." Ikkaku was confused for a moment, until Yumichika continued.

"I will not drag you into my filthy world."

Ikkaku stared at his face shamelessly. "The world is filthy," he agreed, "but not with you in it." Yumichika's eyes met his, and immediately, he could see him just  _melt._ Yumichika bit his lips, starting to cry as he brought a hand to his mouth, the residue of the ice covering his heart just pouring from his eyes.

Ikkaku brought his face in and kissed him passionately, feeling Yumichika's arms wrapping around his neck to hold him even closer. He hummed into it, squeezing Yumichika's body and kissing him hard, sure that he would never get tired of this. Honestly, he felt happier about having this kiss than he did about what they'd done all over his car earlier on.

Speaking of, he was sure that sex was so much better when they could kiss and have their faces close, and hold hands, and oh, say nice things to each other. He could touch Yumichika's body now, he could run his hands all over it and make him feel so beautiful that he would never feel ashamed of who he was ever again. He'd build him into the cocky confident diva that their friends all declared him of being. Yumichika had to know, he had to know how pretty he was. Ikkaku had to tell him, he had to kiss him everywhere so that he would know how much he wanted him.

Ikkaku wormed his hands up inside Yumichika's top layer, pulling it up to take it off. Yumichika pulled back from their kiss. "What are you doing?" he asked, wiping his face of the tears. Ikkaku had never seen him so happy.

"Let's make love," Ikkaku said lightly, knocking him over onto his back and stripping his pants off his skinny legs with a grin. Yumichika let out a surprised laugh, arms opening eagerly when Ikkaku kicked off his own pants and drew him into his embrace. He spat into his hand and directed his arousal back into Yumichika, where he was still warm from earlier.

"Mmm," they hummed as their mouths came together, arms caressing each other as Ikkaku lay them down on the carseat. Fuck, was he sensitive now that he'd held off from coming for so long. Yumichika's voice came out freely now as he offered encouragements to Ikkaku when he thrust a certain way. Ikkaku grinned widely and kissed Yumichika's neck, hands exploring his body like he hadn't been able to before. He was so soft, so fragrant. He hoped the smell of them together would stay here.

Getting him on his hands and knees, moving behind him, he kissed Yumichika's thigh and stroked his own erection a couple times, easing back into Yumichika. He thrust quickly but gently, light smacking sounds resulting as Yumichika's ass met with his hips. Yumichika's legs were shaking, still hypersensitive from earlier, and Ikkaku had to hold his hips up to keep him from collapsing. Ikkaku had always found moaning in pornos annoying, but every noise Yumichika made was just what he wanted to hear.

He grabbed Yumichika's butt greedily, squeezing and kneading appreciatively as he brought his hips back against his, thrusting into him at a steady pace. His body was just perfect, and it was a shame that they couldn't strip all the way naked in this cold air. "Mm," Yumichika hummed sultrily, playfully kicking him back. Ikkaku fell on his ass, laughing when Yumichika was in his arms, straddling him in his lap. Ikkaku wrapped his arms around his back, slim body pressed up against him in his strong arms.

Ikkaku kissed him sweetly, still getting used to the feeling of having a tongue in his mouth and on his throat. He thought that he would come to like it, but it was still new. He preferred closed-mouth kisses for now, peppering them along any skin Yumichika revealed. He thrust up as much as he could from where he was sitting, and to help him out, Yumichika let him sit back a little, lifting the weight of his hips up off of him so Ikkaku could grab his waist and slam up into him.

Yumichika hissed as Ikkaku went faster, thrusting into him hard enough that his hips were going numb. Ikkaku moaned choppily, hands tensing up around Yumichika's waist as he neared orgasm. Finally, when he thought he was about to explode, Yumichika pressed his hips down hard and squeezed just right, causing Ikkaku's eyes to roll back. He came deep inside of him, cock tensing several times within the blinding heat of Yumichika's insides.

"Oh," Ikkaku said, almost in surprise when Yumichika got off of him about ten seconds later, seeing the stringy white mess connecting them. Not giving it time to go cold, he wiped them with a blanket and helped Yumichika get his clothes back on. Putting his own on, he let out a relaxed sigh and cuddled up to Yumichika, deeply satisfied. He leaned back into the seat, legs spread open to freely enjoy the mind-numbing tingling still spreading through him, and he held Yumichika tightly in a warm embrace. He kissed his face and nuzzled him like a cat a few times, helping to get his hair back into a manageable order.

Yumichika just sighed sweetly and burrowed himself into the front of Ikkaku's jacket, holding him back, arms around his chest. Ikkaku grinned when he saw how Yumichika was smiling every time he pet his head even though they were both exhausted. "I wonder if it's Christmas yet," Yumichika said sleepily as Ikkaku covered his lover up with a blanket. At least, he hoped they would be lovers, because he did think that he was in love with Yumichika. If this was love, what a wonderful feeling it was, because even though his fingers were starting to go numb again, Ikkaku felt so warm inside, so happy.

They didn't know how long they'd been trapped in here, but for all they knew, it could be Christmas Eve, and that was a comforting thought.

Yumichika's body was cooling down rapidly, and Ikkaku could feel that through the blanket, wrapping him up tight and putting him inside his jacket. He held Yumichika close in concern, trying to wrap his own body around him, which was still pretty warm. It wasn't long before Yumichika began shivering, and Ikkaku rubbed his back and arms to gather warmth for him. He took off his sweater and gave it to Yumichika, pulling the big baggy thing over his head. It was okay. Ikkaku was wearing a bunch, and he just couldn't shake the fire going in his gut.

Just as he was falling to sleep with a goofy smile on his face and his sweetie pie in his arms, Ikkaku's eyes drifted opened by chance, flinching back from something that was harsh against his night-adjusted eyes. "Yumichika," he said in surprise, nudging him. Yumichika didn't respond, head laying against his chest.

"Hey," he repeated, shaking him a little. "Yumichika, wake up."

"What?" he asked, yawning, lifting his head and wiping his eye sleepily. The poor thing hadn't a mite of energy left. Ikkaku pecked his nose, unable to get over how cute he was in his huge sweater.

"Look," he pointed eagerly.

"What?" Yumichika asked, not seeing it yet. Ikkaku pointed over the seat divider, towards the top of the windshield. On the very edge, towards the top of the snowy darkness, there was a clearly yellow glow. Yumichika gasped.

_Sunshine._

* * *

_The snowflakes fall  
_ _gently to the ground.  
_ _The temperature drops  
_ _and your shivers freeze all the rivers around,  
_ _but I keep you warm_


	8. Chapter 8

_If you killed me with ice, they'd never know how you did it;  
_ _Murder weapon's gone, and they're never gonna get it.  
_ _I'd bleed for a year if I thought it would help.  
_ _Maybe I could get your frigid heart to melt._

* * *

Renji woke up with a smile on his face. One glance at the alarm clock told him that it was two hours past noon, and Ichigo was still snoozing away next to him. Quietly, he crept out of bed, ignoring the twinge in his backside as he left the room to go take a shower. He snatched the used condom off the floor before Ichigo could find it and flip out, and grabbed some of Ichigo's dirty laundry for him, taking it to the hamper.

As he stood under the warm water and combed out his hair, his head began to hurt, revealing that he'd drank a lot more than he should've last night, but he didn't let that ruin his mood. He'd woken up with Ichigo's head on his chest, and it would take one hell of a thunderstorm to rain on his parade.

He didn't want that 'morning after' awkwardness to happen, so he'd gotten up before Ichigo, hoping that maybe giving him some space might help things be less tense.

Renji was well aware that this whole thing had been a huge mistake, but Ichigo had said he'd think about it, right? Renji sighed, running a hand over his face, letting water drip off his nose. This was such a mess. He'd really fucked up.

It was pathetic, he knew, but he didn't even care if Ichigo had only slept with him out of pity, if he was only giving him a chance because he hadn't wanted him to start crying. Renji would take whatever he could have. He would make Ichigo see that it would be okay to live like this. He would continue on being his best friend, but he would make it clear that he did care as more than that. Maybe Ichigo might still get with Orihime, but would still sleep with him occasionally. Renji could live with that, right?

Whatever happened, no matter how bad things got, they could never get as bad as before, because now Renji would have the consolatory memory of them being together for the rest of his life. Not even the coldest rejection could take away that sweet floating feeling that he'd gotten for just a moment before he'd crashed back down.

Humming to himself as he dried off and got dressed, Renji made Ichigo a bowl of cereal and turned on the TV to allow for some gentle background noise that would wake Ichigo up gradually. He plopped down in front of the screen, holding a textbook against his leg as he ate a jelly sandwich. It wasn't long before his sleepy-eyed roommate ambled out into the front-room in search of headache pills.

Renji smiled at him from the couch, pointing him towards the breakfast he'd made and turning back to the chapter he was reading. Ichigo grunted in response, standing there for a minute before he went to eat it at the table, not making any effort to start a conversation. Renji didn't let that discourage him, minding his own business as Ichigo went about brushing his teeth and putting on some day clothes.

Ichigo didn't ask him what had happened last night, so that meant he had to remember and was just letting it slide. Renji remembered that Ichigo had said not to ever bring it up again, those threats still ringing in his ears. Somehow, he couldn't let it go now that he'd had it so close in his grasp.

Eventually, Ichigo sat down on the far end of the couch, putting his feet up on the coffee table, which was a rare occurrence. Renji gave him a discreet glance, but didn't say anything for a while, letting his roommate get comfortable for about a half an hour.

He was nicer to Ichigo than normal, and as they had promised, they didn't talk about what had happened. After scootching an inch closer every few minutes, Ichigo let Renji get in his personal space. Later on when Renji had gotten up to do something else, Ichigo lounged deeper on the couch, working on a puzzle-book, and when Renji came back, he leaned over his shoulder to see what he was doing, and Ichigo didn't move away. Things were painfully normal, but Renji couldn't shake the feeling that things weren't the same now.

He caught Ichigo holding his breath a couple times, seeing him startle or flinch if he got too close, but otherwise, their interactions weren't much different, their conversations revolving around the same things as always.

Renji couldn't stand that thought that things might be so pained ever after between them, and even though he knew the alternative was losing Ichigo altogether, he had to test the boundaries. He had to, or he'd never know, he'd never find peace.

They watched a game show for around half an hour before Renji put his arm up on the back of the couch, around Ichigo's shoulders. Ichigo let him, of course, but he was visibly cringing. Renji just smiled, leaning in to his personal space. Ichigo didn't move for a minute as Renji approached, not turning his head. Encouraged, Renji grinned, but at the last minute before his lips could connect with his cheek, Ichigo flinched away, shuddering.

"Ugh,  _sick._ "

Renji frowned, backing off and looking at his lap. "I thought… Never mind what I thought," he said miserably. Ichigo stood up.

"Oh, what, you thought it was okay to do that?" Ichigo asked sarcastically, throwing his hands up, furious and even more defensive than he had been initially last night. Renji wilted inwardly.

"You said you'd think about it," Renji said, complaining. Ichigo scowled.

"Look, I just…" His eyes flicked to Renji's mouth, and he shivered. " _Gross._ " He shuddered again, making a sickened noise. "I don't like it, okay? Nasty!"

Renji's eyes narrowed with bitterness then, cruelly biting out, "You're just as nasty as me now. We did it." He glared at him with a sickening smile. Renji hadn't wanted to do this, but Ichigo left him no choice. "I could tell everyone... What would you do about that, huh? We did it, there's no point it denying it now." Ichigo exploded on him then, shouting.

"I only did it because you pressured me into it, you fucking faggot!" Renji's breath left him sharply and all he could do was sit there as Ichigo vented. "Look what you've done to me!" Ichigo ranted, pacing wildly. "You're just a sick  _queer._  I don't wanna' room with you anymore." He calmed down a little then, tone final and harsh. "Look, this is  _it_ , man. I'm going home," he snapped, leaving to his bedroom to grab his stuff.

Fuck Renji and his disgusting little crush, and  _fuck_  his dirty hands and his nasty mouth! Ichigo never wanted to see his face again. Ugh, he felt like he had to boil his entire body to feel clean again. He couldn't stop thinking about what they'd done, and the way Renji had just gone on like they were a couple now made him want to vomit. He couldn't stand the thought that someone might see them and realize that somewhere secret inside him, he might like it a little. Ichigo was getting the fuck out of here.

His pride only second-guessed itself when he was carrying his duffel bag out into the front room and putting on his coat. He spared a heated glance to Renji where he was still sittnig on the crouch, and felt the anger fade when he saw that his best friend was crying.

To his credit, he was valiantly attempting to stay silent and not even blink against the tears. He was obviously enraged that he couldn't keep the wetness in, that he couldn't keep a straight face as Ichigo left, but the poor guy just couldn't help it, lip quivering. His head bowed, and Ichigo saw tears fall into his lap.

The words he'd said were burning in his mouth. 'Faggot'. He'd called Renji a  _faggot._ No matter how angry Ichigo had gotten, he  _never_  should have said that. He'd really hurt the poor guy's feelings. I mean, Renji just loved him. Was that so wrong? What the fuck was Ichigo doing beating him up like that? He was just a big bully. Even if he didn't want this, he shouldn't have been mean about it.

"Look, I…" Ichigo felt bad. He really did, but he just didn't feel like he could put up with this, not even for Renji. He couldn't bear what Renji was turning him into, what he was making him feel. "I didn't-"

Renji sniffed, wiping his eyes, not looking at him. "I'm sorry. You can go," he said, voice wavering as he sniffled some more. "Don't lemme' make you feel guilty, man. I shouldn't have pushed it on you. You go," he said seriously, swallowing and wiping his face.

"Go on, get the fuck out of here," Renji rasped, but all Ichigo could hear was how much pain he'd caused him.

Ichigo couldn't let it go there, because he felt the love now. He knew Renji wasn't guilt-tripping him and that even though he wanted to be with him, he was setting him free. Renji loved him that much, and a guy like that deserved an apology at the very least.

"I shouldn't have called you that, okay?" Ichigo said, setting down his stuff, scuffing his foot on the ground. He wished that his anger didn't carry him away like that all the time. He had said some really hurtful things. "I… Maybe…" He took a deep breath, thinking about this for the first time as he put his anger aside.

"Maybe I'm just scared of what'll happen," he said, the words coming out on their own. As they did, it got easier and easier, and listening to them be spoken aloud, Ichigo realized that they were true. "And… what people will think of me," he admitted, meeting Renji's bloodshot eyes.

Renji nodded a little, listening. "I get it, man. I won't tell, I promise. You don't have to stay cause' you're scared I'll blackmail you. I was just screwin' around, I didn't mean that. I won't tell," he said again, turning away.

"I don't want people to know, okay?" Ichigo said, voice strangled as he tried to make Renji see that he wasn't a bad person, that he wasn't doing this to hurt him.

As soon as he said those words, everything shifted. Ichigo didn't  _care_  what people thought of him. He had this bright hair that constantly got him into trouble. He was in fights all the time, and as such, people thought he was a lazy punk that was good for nothing. He didn't care about that, because he did great in school and had great friends. He didn't care what people would think of him, because he was friends with the type of people who would accept him if he dated a man.

He still didn't feel ready to publicly date Renji or even privately, but seeing how afraid this whole incident had made him, how much it had warped his judgement, it made him feel really ashamed. He'd let his prejudice and fear rule his decisions. He'd let that get in the way of being a good friend.

"People won't know. I said, I'm not gonna' tell. I mean it," Renji repeated, not turning back to him, seeming to be unwilling to watch him go. Ichigo grit his teeth, squinting his eyes shut and glaring at the floor.

"I mean, you're right," Ichigo forced out, the awkwardness of the air around him choking him for a moment as he tried to end the silence. "You  _can_  be nice, and I see that now. You were acting really sweet, and… it… it was just too much at once, okay?" Ichigo said, cheeks heating up as his eyes floated anywhere in the room except Renji's face. He couldn't bear to see Renji's expression or his pride would rush back into power and make him say something he didn't mean.

"I won't…" He took another breath and tried again, changing his mind, "I won't move out," he promised, hearing Renji exhale in both relief and disbelief. "Just… just  _please_  give me some time to get used to this, and… and… ugh,  _baby steps_ , okay?" he demanded hotly, scowling in Renj's direction.

"It freaks me out, but I don't wanna' lose your friendship," he said honestly, finally meeting Renji's eyes for a moment. He couldn't tell what emotions were stirring there yet, but Renji seemed too taken to speak. "Okay? And… if that means that I have to do things with you sometimes, then fine, just…" Ichigo swallowed. "Just  _wait_ , alright? I... I don't wanna' make you cry, man, I really don't…"

"I'm not crying," Renji croaked. Ichigo gave him a look.

"Yes, you are."

"Nu-uh!" he shouted hotly, voice cracking inconveniently.

"Whatever, fine, I don't care," Ichigo said, running an exasperated hand through his hair. "Listen, I care about you, and maybe there's something in here that could love you. Someday. Probably not," Ichigo amended, cheeks red. Ichigo would wonder until the ends of the earth how he'd managed to say that out loud. "You just need to back off for a while, okay? Because I'm just  _not_  to that point yet."

Renji looked at his lap.

"I know we already did it, and it's hard to put the horse back in the barn, but… let me ease into this. Gimme' a few months to think about it," Ichigo insisted. "Maybe we can start with holding hands of something," he said with a blush, scratching the back of his neck, "because that's the same with a girl. It's less gross... I don't like it, but I'll try. I'll try for you, but you can't tell... Seriously, you'd better not."

Renji looked up to him with a smile and a shake of the head, wiping his nose on his wrist as Ichigo sat down next to him with a grin.

"People like you shouldn't exist," he said, trying to lace his hand with Ichigo's. Ichigo shook his head and insisted he had to hold the other hand, because he'd just wiped snot on his arm. "Who can't be nice  _now?_ " Renji griped, shoving Ichigo's head and noogieing him. Ichigo grabbed his other hand and looked at the TV, not talking otherwise.

The forecast was sunshine for all of next week. Renji grinned, intertwining their fingers even though Ichigo kept making uncomfortable expressions. It wasn't what he'd expected, and certainly wasn't all he'd hoped for, but if this was what Ichigo was willing to give, then who was he to complain?

Holy shit, he'd almost lost everything there. You know what they say about taking a huge risk for a huge reward. Still, Renji didn't know if any of it would last. He listened to the weatherman rant on about the snow, and rubbed Ichigo's hand with his thumb. Ichigo gave a sigh and let his head flop onto his shoulder, staying there stiffly.

This was more sun than he'd ever expected for December.

* * *

They'd been stuck in a car together for almost two days, and when they finally dug themselves out, Ikkaku tried to warm up the car while Yumichika collapsed and lay on the ground, holding himself and laughing, so happy to be free.

Someone had plowed the road while they were asleep, and Ikkaku unburied the rest of the car, shoving snow off the hood and wiping the windows as Yumichika ran off into the woods, knee-deep in snow so he could take a leak.  _God_ , was he hungry, too. He wanted a hot bath and a bed to stretch his legs in so badly.

When Yumichika came back, he wasn't eager to get back in the car even though he was shivering from head to toe, fingers aching and nose red from the cold, and as Ikkaku anxiously tried to get the car started for almost ten minutes, Yumichika screamed and started jumping when the engine caught and stayed alive.

Ikkaku whooped and jumped out of the car and grabbed Yumichika, who was cheering. He picked him up and spun him, and Yumichika reflexively kissed him, which of course prompted Ikkaku to push him against the car and wrap his arms around him, kissing back hard. "Mmm."

"Let's go before our luck runs out again," Yumichika said, still giggling and happy beyond belief that they were finally getting out of here. He was  _so hungry._  Ikkaku nodded, getting in the car and turning on the heat hopefully, disappointed when cold air blasted into his face. It needed a while to warm up.

Yumichika gave a happy sigh when they got back on the road, and Ikkaku put a hand in his, holding it on top of the console. "Hey," he prompted, giving Yumichika a glance as he looked for the nearest route back to civilization so they could find a gas station to get something to eat at.

"Hm?" Yumichika answered in bliss, nose still pink and rosy, snow not melted in his hair.

"Are we together now?"

"I'd say so," Yumichika said in mock-offense, but Ikkaku assured him that he was only checking.

"Okay, well, I kinda' know it's too late to say, 'let's wait', but… I wanna' let things happen naturally," Ikkaku explained, looking to him frequently as he drove, and Yumichika smiled at the consideration. "So, don't think just because we did it, that you have to keep doing it with me to make me stay or something, alright? Just pretend I awkwardly confessed my love while we were having coffee and now I'm your dorky boyfriend who isn't confident in bed," Ikkaku divulged, giving Yumichika a knowing look. Yumichika raised an eyebrow. "Cause' I'm not, okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you," Ikkaku said, rubbing his thumb against Yumichika's hand. "You're pretty on the inside," he said with a grin, "like, your brain and stuff." Yumichika gave him a sly grin.

"Oh, I thought you meant my-"

"Shut up!" Ikkaku shouted, hitting him in the shoulder to shut up his laughing. "You little jerk. Let's watch a movie later, and kiss, and frost cookies."

"I thought you'd never ask," Yumichika slipped his hand inside Ikkaku's glove, linking their fingers.

* * *

_Little darling, it's been a long, cold, lonely winter._   
_Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here._


End file.
